Congratulations to Kathy Bartz and Donna Tinker in Michigan. The two joined forces to offer seniors' speed dating and the events have been warmly welcomed by the community. Participants are also coached on keeping themselves safe and not sharing too much personal information with new friends. Companion Connections has a built in safety mechanism for participants that also ensures their safety as much as possible after their meeting with matches.
Keep up the good work!
MCauch
SageHealth Network
---------------------
Event aims to help seniors build relationships
By BARB PERT TEMPLETON
Finding new friends can be a challenge at any age and it seems for seniors, social opportunities can be ever more limited. Keeping that in mind, Kathy Bartz, vice president of sales and marketing at the Village of East Harbor, has planned a speed dating event.
"I give presentations in the community where I meet lots of seniors and there is a demand for programs where they can meet other people of the opposite sex," Bartz said. "We are providing this program because many seniors are reluctant to confront somebody on their own, so this should be comfortable and fun."
The first Speed Dating for Seniors event, for ages 62 and older, takes place Tuesday, March 23, with refreshments and sign-up at 1:30 p.m., followed by the meets at 2 p.m. The dating event will be followed by an hour of entertainment by Dusty Diamond Line Dancers. Seniors who wish to participate are asked to RSVP by March 19 to 725-6030. There will also be sign-ups at the door.
Stressing that this event is "absolutely open to the community," Bartz said seniors don't have to be residents at the Village of East Harbor and they won't be sitting through any presentations about the facility. In fact, the only information they will be asked for is their name, address and phone number; no other personal data is requested.
"This is just a totally fun and free event to give seniors a chance to meet new people," Bartz said.
To start the event, organizers will ring a bell and ask all the seniors to take seats in chairs provided around the room. Pairs of chairs facing each other will allow the men and women to sit and chat for three or four minutes before a bell rings and they move on.
"We give them some tips for sharing information with one another; maybe they should talk about where they grew up or went to school just to break the ice," Bartz said.
Once the bell rings, men in the room will remain seated as women move on to a new chair. The meets will go on until about 2:30 p.m., and then the live entertainment and dancing will begin.
"We thought adding the entertainment after the event would be nice so people could still meet and talk to each other for a little longer," Bartz said.
Planning the debut of speed dating at Village of East Harbor has been a lot easier for Bartz because she has help from another local senior center. Donna Tinker is the program coordinator at the Clinton Township Senior Adult Life Center and has hosted a number of successful senior speed dating events there during the last year.
"These are absolutely a success for us and really just a whole lot of fun," Tinker said. "In fact, we had one couple who met at our speed dating and now they are married."
Since the Clinton Township center offers a dinner dance once a month, they tied the speed dating to the same date about a half dozen times last year and got great turnouts.
"You don't have to be a resident of Clinton Township to join our center. Anyone from anywhere who's willing to drive can come in," Tinker said. "And our first speed dating event had 40 couples, which was way to big too handle, so the next ones we had we kept it to 20 couples."
By "couples" Tinker means signing up 20 men and 20 women, noting that sometimes getting that many men on board can be tough. She spread her advertising to local golf clubs and barber shops to try to ensure men would come out for the event.
"It is more challenging to get the men sometimes. I have to figure out where the men go and go there," Tinker laughed.
If on the day of the event some seniors who signed on don't show up, an overflow table is set-up to ensure even with odd numbers, everyone there gets to meet new people.
For those nervous to take on this new way of "dating," Tinker prints up a program that suggests good topics to talk about and also things people shouldn't share - like information about past relationships or ex-spouses.
Safety tips, for meeting a new friend beyond the senior center, are also offered with the standard ideas like make it a public venue at first and be careful how much personal data you reveal in the beginning.
Overall, the speed dating sessions at Clinton Township have been a lot of fun for everyone involved and Tinker will be planning another one this spring.
Bartz hopes to see the same thing at Village of East Harbor next week.
"This is basically a fun afternoon of dancing, refreshments and mingling with people," she said. "And socializing is a huge benefit for seniors, especially for those who live in their own homes who want to come in and meet new people."
Village of East Harbor is located at 33875 Kiely Drive in Chesterfield Township. The speed dating event will be at the main activity center. Reservations are required by March 19. Call 725-6030 or sign up at the door.
Original link: http://www.sourcenewspapers.com/articles/2010/03/10/news/doc4b97bfc8c97e3215382701.txt#blogcomments
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Speed Dating for An Older Set
Reading some of the comments on Colorado's 9 News sites, I posted my own:
SageHealth Network and St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre in Toronto, Canada implemented a speed dating event for 55+ last year. We've had 2 successful events already and are planning our third for April. SageHealth Network will be launching speed dating for the 55-70 year old demographic this spring also. Young people do not have a monopoly on love and romance. This is a great way to meet people, establish friendships and maybe make a romantic connection. Facilitating social interaction and companionship is key in healthy, positive aging
www.sagehealthnetwork.com
MCauch
SageHealth Network
---------------------------------------
Speed Dating for An Older Set
CENTRAL CITY - If you have ever been set up on a blind date, or attended a singles function, you know the feeling. Butterflies fill your stomach and you might feel flushed and need a glass of water.
A room full of people experienced all of those feelings recently on a trip to Central City.
They were not nervous about losing money in the slot machines. But while this gamble had nothing to do with cash, it certainly involved a little luck, if not guts.
Rocky Mountain Singles organized a first time ever "Speed Dating" event at Fortune Valley for seniors.
For those who do not know what speed dating is, it is an opportunity for a group of single people to meet several people in a short period of time. Each person is assigned a number and moves around a room from table to table to meet several people in roughly an hour's time.
Each date lasts just six minutes, enough time to hopefully decide if you want to meet again.
For this group, there is enough time for eight dates. There are 17 women and 13 men, from Denver, Greeley, Aurora, and as far as Montrose.
Joseph Brady is a Chinese medical doctor and a specialist in healthy aging. He applauds this type of thing.
"Anything to get people to make friends and have relationships, that makes a big difference when it comes to healthy aging," Brady said.
The people in this group are keenly aware of the importance of meeting new people and staying engaged in life.
Carl traveled from Greeley to take part.
"Even if you just make a new friend, you don't have to sit at home and be depressed," he said.
Carl is an outdoorsy type who likes to hunt and fish, but when asked what a woman should know about him, he said, "I'm a good dancer."
For many of the participants, this is a non-threatening environment and more like a social hour. Several told us they would never consider an Internet dating site, and really are not interested in a serious relationship.
Some say they will never marry again, but they would like the chance to go to dinner, dancing or even a movie with a new friend.
After their speed dating session, Rocky Mountain Singles will review the cards they filled out about their dates and match up those that express a mutual interest in seeing each other again.
What happens next? Only time will tell.
Source: http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=133310&catid=188
(KUSA-TV © 2010 Multimedia Holdings Corporation)
SageHealth Network and St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre in Toronto, Canada implemented a speed dating event for 55+ last year. We've had 2 successful events already and are planning our third for April. SageHealth Network will be launching speed dating for the 55-70 year old demographic this spring also. Young people do not have a monopoly on love and romance. This is a great way to meet people, establish friendships and maybe make a romantic connection. Facilitating social interaction and companionship is key in healthy, positive aging
www.sagehealthnetwork.com
MCauch
SageHealth Network
---------------------------------------
Speed Dating for An Older Set
CENTRAL CITY - If you have ever been set up on a blind date, or attended a singles function, you know the feeling. Butterflies fill your stomach and you might feel flushed and need a glass of water.
A room full of people experienced all of those feelings recently on a trip to Central City.
They were not nervous about losing money in the slot machines. But while this gamble had nothing to do with cash, it certainly involved a little luck, if not guts.
Rocky Mountain Singles organized a first time ever "Speed Dating" event at Fortune Valley for seniors.
For those who do not know what speed dating is, it is an opportunity for a group of single people to meet several people in a short period of time. Each person is assigned a number and moves around a room from table to table to meet several people in roughly an hour's time.
Each date lasts just six minutes, enough time to hopefully decide if you want to meet again.
For this group, there is enough time for eight dates. There are 17 women and 13 men, from Denver, Greeley, Aurora, and as far as Montrose.
Joseph Brady is a Chinese medical doctor and a specialist in healthy aging. He applauds this type of thing.
"Anything to get people to make friends and have relationships, that makes a big difference when it comes to healthy aging," Brady said.
The people in this group are keenly aware of the importance of meeting new people and staying engaged in life.
Carl traveled from Greeley to take part.
"Even if you just make a new friend, you don't have to sit at home and be depressed," he said.
Carl is an outdoorsy type who likes to hunt and fish, but when asked what a woman should know about him, he said, "I'm a good dancer."
For many of the participants, this is a non-threatening environment and more like a social hour. Several told us they would never consider an Internet dating site, and really are not interested in a serious relationship.
Some say they will never marry again, but they would like the chance to go to dinner, dancing or even a movie with a new friend.
After their speed dating session, Rocky Mountain Singles will review the cards they filled out about their dates and match up those that express a mutual interest in seeing each other again.
What happens next? Only time will tell.
Source: http://www.9news.com/news/article.aspx?storyid=133310&catid=188
(KUSA-TV © 2010 Multimedia Holdings Corporation)
Finding love over 50... IT'S EASY!
Although this article is from a British paper, it gives excellent,practical advice on dating after 50. It's also inspiring to hear about other women's experiences in the dating world. If you're single and over 50, it's imperative to stay positive, hopeful and optimistic, while still being alert and cautious. I particularly like the line of "be completely honest about yourself but don't expect others to be honest with you." Words to live by and 100% true for any age.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
-------------------------------------
Finding Love Over 50...It's Easy!
Daily Mirror, UK
By Judy Yorke 22/02/2010
Fiftysomething, suddenly single and sure how to meet a new man? These three women know exactly how you feel - and what you can do about it ...
If you're over 50 suddenly finding yourself back on the singles market may sound like a daunting experience. But in fact this might be the best time of your life to meet someone new.
More and more women are now finding themselves alone later in life, whether due to divorce or a partner's untimely death.
And Government research reveals that they couldn't be happier.
Far from settling for quiet nights in with a good book, Britain's 600,000 single older women are more likely to be hitting the clubs, jetting off on hols and then Tweeting their friends about it afterwards.
Of 1,000 women surveyed, 17% said they were actively dating and looking for a new partner while 20% said they had a great social life.
"Women in their 50s seem to be more open to the possibility of a new relationship," says Dr Victoria Lukats, psychiatrist and dating expert for parship.co.uk. "Usually the children have left home and they're thinking what to do for the rest of their lives. And they have so much life ahead."
Jan Rook, 58, had been married for 29 years before separating from her husband in 2003. Three years later she felt ready to start dating again.
"I was looking for a bit of fun at first," says Jan, an administrator from Essex. "I got engaged at 18 and married at 21. Now I wanted to go out, meet lots of people, enjoy myself and see what happened."
Jan joined several dating agencies and estimates she's met about 50 men, several of them younger than her.
"I think men see women in their 50s as non-demanding," she says. "They don't want babies, they don't want to settle down and have a family.
They're enjoying new freedom and are relaxed about things. That's quite appealing to young blokes."
But Dr Lukats warns that there are some pitfalls in dating someone much younger than you. "The bigger the age gap, the less likely it is to work out," she says. "Only 20% of men in their 30s are open to dating a woman 10 or more years older than them, and the proportion actually looking for an older woman is even smaller."
Jan admits she did make some mistakes at the beginning of her dating career, and warns against being too flirtatious early on.
"I was flirting by text with one man even before our first date," she says. "He'd told me he was stout but when I met him he was enormous. Then after our date he lunged at me in the car-park.
"It's also important to remember that anybody can be anybody on-screen. I met up with one bloke who said he was 5ft 3in but was actually 4ft 10in.
"Every time I looked at him I was reminded of Ronnie Corbett in 'Sorry!'
"I've learned to have zero expectations when I'm going on a date. That way anything is a bonus and I don't come away disappointed. Even if a date doesn't go well I usually learn something from it."
At the beginning of the year Jan decided she was ready for a more serious relationship - and in August she met Del, a painter and decorator, at a singles event.
"It's going really well," she says. "He's lovely, caring and thoughtful. I was ready to meet someone special, even though I don't want to move in with someone or get married - at least for the foreseeable future."
Dr Lukats says that internet dating has made it much easier to meet people, but it's good to wait a bit if you've just come out of a long-term relationship.
"It can be tempting to see meeting someone new as a way to boost your confidence. But if it goes wrong you'll feel even worse," she says.
"And you may be tempted to overlook warning signs that this is not the right person."
She also advises reserving judgement on someone until you meet them. "It's easy to get carried away if someone starts saying how great you are but they haven't even met you! Don't be cold, but don't be flirtatious. Your relationship is very artificial at this stage.
"Beware of dating scams too - especially if you've never met the person. However plausible they appear, don't give away money or bank details, and don't give them your home phone number or address."
Georgina Mitzka, 52, emerged from a series of long-term relationships four years ago not quite sure how to set about meeting someone new. "It's hard to meet people in pubs because men always chat up the younger women," says Georgina, from London.
"I tried online dating, speed dating and singles parties. I enjoyed speed dating but it felt a bit like a conveyor belt and although I had a few dates, I didn't meet anyone through it.
"It also tended to be the same people after a while which got a bit embarrassing.
Advertisement - article continues below »
"I've recently met someone through an agency but I think sometimes it's easier to meet people through sports clubs and activities. That way you have something else in common apart from the fact that you're both single.
"I met some nice people through online dating, but quickly realised that many men are only looking for casual sex. I prefer men who have been married and have children because then you know they're not commitment-phobes.
"But I try to avoid newly-separated ones as they try to use you as a marriage counsellor."
Georgina has met about 30 men in all - but many for only one date. And there was a major problem without half about dozen - they were married.
"There are obvious signs to watch out for," she says.
"Alarm bells should start ringing if they won't give you their home number after a few dates, or if they won't meet you at weekends.
"I've had a few disasters. One guy phoned his coke dealer while we were in the pub - I walked out. Another mentioned using spanking paddles on the second date... all right if you're into that sort of thing but I'm not."
Eileen Gildersleve, 53, was similarly naive when she started dating again a year ago.
"I met my ex-husband when I was 15 and we were married for 30 years," says Eileen, a secretary from Hertfordshire.
"He'd been my only boyfriend.
We separated two years ago.
"Luckily I have a big group of friends who helped me out and suggested ways I could meet people. I tried a couple of singles events but I thought they were a meat market. So I joined some online dating agencies but I was very nervous - I was actually shaking before my first date. Unfortunately, he was an octopus, but I decided I couldn't let one person put me off.
"I've realised it's very important to date people you have something in common with. I prefer to date men who have a family - Bill, who I've been seeing for a couple of months, has children and grandchildren like me."
Eileen is pleased she made the effort to start dating. "It's very easy not to do anything to meet new people but I didn't want to be on my own. I don't have children at home so I can do a lot more things. I think it's good to meet someone in your 50s as it's easier to merge your lives together."
EILEEN'S TOP 3 TIPS
(1) Don't meet anyone until you've talked to them on the phone. I met one chap after a few emails and discovered he was really boring. If I'd spoken to him first I wouldn't have wasted my time.
(2) Make sure you've seen a man's photo before you meet. I don't date anyone who's not smiling in their picture - I always think it means they don't have any teeth.
(3) Tell several people where you're going and who with and phone them at the end of the date to let them know you're OK.
JAN'S TOP 3 TIPS
(1) If you suspect someone is lying about their age, study what they're wearing in their photo - the fashion is often a giveaway that it's an old picture.
(2) Be totally honest about yourself - but assume that the other person isn't being as honest with you.
(3) Take care when meeting someone new - go to a pub where you know lots of people. Don't be persuaded to go somewhere you don't know or don't feel comfortable.
GEORGINA'S TOP 3 TIPS
(1) If you suspect a man may be married, look him up on 192.com - it will tell you who lives at that address.
(2) Don't have too many tick-boxes - give people a chance.
(3) Try different approaches - speed dating and singles parties, for example, to maximise your chances of meeting someone.
Life begins at 40!
Source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/02/22/finding-love-over-50-it-s-easy-115875-22060776/
MCauch
SageHealth Network
-------------------------------------
Finding Love Over 50...It's Easy!
Daily Mirror, UK
By Judy Yorke 22/02/2010
Fiftysomething, suddenly single and sure how to meet a new man? These three women know exactly how you feel - and what you can do about it ...
If you're over 50 suddenly finding yourself back on the singles market may sound like a daunting experience. But in fact this might be the best time of your life to meet someone new.
More and more women are now finding themselves alone later in life, whether due to divorce or a partner's untimely death.
And Government research reveals that they couldn't be happier.
Far from settling for quiet nights in with a good book, Britain's 600,000 single older women are more likely to be hitting the clubs, jetting off on hols and then Tweeting their friends about it afterwards.
Of 1,000 women surveyed, 17% said they were actively dating and looking for a new partner while 20% said they had a great social life.
"Women in their 50s seem to be more open to the possibility of a new relationship," says Dr Victoria Lukats, psychiatrist and dating expert for parship.co.uk. "Usually the children have left home and they're thinking what to do for the rest of their lives. And they have so much life ahead."
Jan Rook, 58, had been married for 29 years before separating from her husband in 2003. Three years later she felt ready to start dating again.
"I was looking for a bit of fun at first," says Jan, an administrator from Essex. "I got engaged at 18 and married at 21. Now I wanted to go out, meet lots of people, enjoy myself and see what happened."
Jan joined several dating agencies and estimates she's met about 50 men, several of them younger than her.
"I think men see women in their 50s as non-demanding," she says. "They don't want babies, they don't want to settle down and have a family.
They're enjoying new freedom and are relaxed about things. That's quite appealing to young blokes."
But Dr Lukats warns that there are some pitfalls in dating someone much younger than you. "The bigger the age gap, the less likely it is to work out," she says. "Only 20% of men in their 30s are open to dating a woman 10 or more years older than them, and the proportion actually looking for an older woman is even smaller."
Jan admits she did make some mistakes at the beginning of her dating career, and warns against being too flirtatious early on.
"I was flirting by text with one man even before our first date," she says. "He'd told me he was stout but when I met him he was enormous. Then after our date he lunged at me in the car-park.
"It's also important to remember that anybody can be anybody on-screen. I met up with one bloke who said he was 5ft 3in but was actually 4ft 10in.
"Every time I looked at him I was reminded of Ronnie Corbett in 'Sorry!'
"I've learned to have zero expectations when I'm going on a date. That way anything is a bonus and I don't come away disappointed. Even if a date doesn't go well I usually learn something from it."
At the beginning of the year Jan decided she was ready for a more serious relationship - and in August she met Del, a painter and decorator, at a singles event.
"It's going really well," she says. "He's lovely, caring and thoughtful. I was ready to meet someone special, even though I don't want to move in with someone or get married - at least for the foreseeable future."
Dr Lukats says that internet dating has made it much easier to meet people, but it's good to wait a bit if you've just come out of a long-term relationship.
"It can be tempting to see meeting someone new as a way to boost your confidence. But if it goes wrong you'll feel even worse," she says.
"And you may be tempted to overlook warning signs that this is not the right person."
She also advises reserving judgement on someone until you meet them. "It's easy to get carried away if someone starts saying how great you are but they haven't even met you! Don't be cold, but don't be flirtatious. Your relationship is very artificial at this stage.
"Beware of dating scams too - especially if you've never met the person. However plausible they appear, don't give away money or bank details, and don't give them your home phone number or address."
Georgina Mitzka, 52, emerged from a series of long-term relationships four years ago not quite sure how to set about meeting someone new. "It's hard to meet people in pubs because men always chat up the younger women," says Georgina, from London.
"I tried online dating, speed dating and singles parties. I enjoyed speed dating but it felt a bit like a conveyor belt and although I had a few dates, I didn't meet anyone through it.
"It also tended to be the same people after a while which got a bit embarrassing.
Advertisement - article continues below »
"I've recently met someone through an agency but I think sometimes it's easier to meet people through sports clubs and activities. That way you have something else in common apart from the fact that you're both single.
"I met some nice people through online dating, but quickly realised that many men are only looking for casual sex. I prefer men who have been married and have children because then you know they're not commitment-phobes.
"But I try to avoid newly-separated ones as they try to use you as a marriage counsellor."
Georgina has met about 30 men in all - but many for only one date. And there was a major problem without half about dozen - they were married.
"There are obvious signs to watch out for," she says.
"Alarm bells should start ringing if they won't give you their home number after a few dates, or if they won't meet you at weekends.
"I've had a few disasters. One guy phoned his coke dealer while we were in the pub - I walked out. Another mentioned using spanking paddles on the second date... all right if you're into that sort of thing but I'm not."
Eileen Gildersleve, 53, was similarly naive when she started dating again a year ago.
"I met my ex-husband when I was 15 and we were married for 30 years," says Eileen, a secretary from Hertfordshire.
"He'd been my only boyfriend.
We separated two years ago.
"Luckily I have a big group of friends who helped me out and suggested ways I could meet people. I tried a couple of singles events but I thought they were a meat market. So I joined some online dating agencies but I was very nervous - I was actually shaking before my first date. Unfortunately, he was an octopus, but I decided I couldn't let one person put me off.
"I've realised it's very important to date people you have something in common with. I prefer to date men who have a family - Bill, who I've been seeing for a couple of months, has children and grandchildren like me."
Eileen is pleased she made the effort to start dating. "It's very easy not to do anything to meet new people but I didn't want to be on my own. I don't have children at home so I can do a lot more things. I think it's good to meet someone in your 50s as it's easier to merge your lives together."
EILEEN'S TOP 3 TIPS
(1) Don't meet anyone until you've talked to them on the phone. I met one chap after a few emails and discovered he was really boring. If I'd spoken to him first I wouldn't have wasted my time.
(2) Make sure you've seen a man's photo before you meet. I don't date anyone who's not smiling in their picture - I always think it means they don't have any teeth.
(3) Tell several people where you're going and who with and phone them at the end of the date to let them know you're OK.
JAN'S TOP 3 TIPS
(1) If you suspect someone is lying about their age, study what they're wearing in their photo - the fashion is often a giveaway that it's an old picture.
(2) Be totally honest about yourself - but assume that the other person isn't being as honest with you.
(3) Take care when meeting someone new - go to a pub where you know lots of people. Don't be persuaded to go somewhere you don't know or don't feel comfortable.
GEORGINA'S TOP 3 TIPS
(1) If you suspect a man may be married, look him up on 192.com - it will tell you who lives at that address.
(2) Don't have too many tick-boxes - give people a chance.
(3) Try different approaches - speed dating and singles parties, for example, to maximise your chances of meeting someone.
Life begins at 40!
Source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/02/22/finding-love-over-50-it-s-easy-115875-22060776/
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Companion Connections in Zoomer Magazine
Thanks to Evan Rosser at Zoomer Magazine for this piece on Companion Connections speed dating. ?The story was connected to the CRNCC Symposium: Keep on Rocking back in October 2009. It was decided to make senior speed dating a separate feature. Below is the full piece from the February 2010 issue of Zoomer Magazine:
Why Didn't We Think of This?
Last Fall, St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre held its second Companion Connections, an event of "speed dating" for older adults and seniors in northwest Scarborough, Ontario. The brainchild of St. Paul's Community and Corporate Development Officer Michele Cauch, Companion Connections isn't quite speed dating in the traditional sense. "It's based on the speed dating model," Cauch says, "with the purpose of facilitiating social interaction."
By battling loneliness, Cauch's initiative could provide genuine health benefits for its participants. A wealth of studies, including one conducted by Health Canada, have emphasized the importance of developing and maintaining social networks--for enhancing our sense of well being and control and by decreasing the risk of social isolation.
With the 40 available spots (20 men and 20 women) hotly contested, Cauch couldn't be happier. "That's a really good turnout, and we have excellent feedback." What's next for Companion Connections? "We would like to do one [specifically] for Chinese seniors," Cauch says, "because there's been a lot of interest from Cantonese and Mandarin speakers." The next event is scheduled for April. Civic groups and caregivers, listen up: perhaps there are people in your community who could benefit from a similar event.
Evan Rosser
Zoomer Magazine, February 2010
Why Didn't We Think of This?
Last Fall, St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre held its second Companion Connections, an event of "speed dating" for older adults and seniors in northwest Scarborough, Ontario. The brainchild of St. Paul's Community and Corporate Development Officer Michele Cauch, Companion Connections isn't quite speed dating in the traditional sense. "It's based on the speed dating model," Cauch says, "with the purpose of facilitiating social interaction."
By battling loneliness, Cauch's initiative could provide genuine health benefits for its participants. A wealth of studies, including one conducted by Health Canada, have emphasized the importance of developing and maintaining social networks--for enhancing our sense of well being and control and by decreasing the risk of social isolation.
With the 40 available spots (20 men and 20 women) hotly contested, Cauch couldn't be happier. "That's a really good turnout, and we have excellent feedback." What's next for Companion Connections? "We would like to do one [specifically] for Chinese seniors," Cauch says, "because there's been a lot of interest from Cantonese and Mandarin speakers." The next event is scheduled for April. Civic groups and caregivers, listen up: perhaps there are people in your community who could benefit from a similar event.
Evan Rosser
Zoomer Magazine, February 2010
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wrapping up 2009
This year has been very exciting for SageHealth Network. From the broadcast of The Current in January on CBC to the rush of conference presentations in October. I had a very busy fall preparing for 4 conferences and spreading the word of senior sexuality and intimacy.
October 19, I attended the Older Adult Centres Association of Ontario Conference. I presented workshops on safer sex over 60 to two enthusiastic groups of administrators, program directors and staff. There was alot of learning and sharing that day. My thanks to the all the staff at the OACAO. I'm glad I had the opportunity to present my work to peers in the field of senior care.
The following Tuesday, October 20, I was a presenter at the Keep on Rockin' Sexuality and Aging Symposium sponsored by the Canadian Research Network for Care in the Community. I presented on my experience implementing a senior speed dating program at St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre. I was honoured to be in a lineup of speakers that included two of my heroes in the field of senior sexuality--Dr. Merryn Gott, Professor, Health Sciences, University of Auckland and Peggy Brick, Author and Educator. The impressive list of speakers also included Michael Bauer, Lecturer, La Trobe University; Bill Ryan, Adjunct Professor, McGill University; Devan Nambiar, Education Coordinator, Rainbow Health Ontari. My sincere thanks to the organizers for inviting me and to the conference chairs, A. Paul Williams and Janet M. Lum.
Here is a link to the conference: http://www.ryerson.ca/crncc/sexualityandaging.html
I also presented on the topic of senior speed dating at the OCSA Great Ideas Conference held October 22nd. I talked about the challenges and rewards about implementing a senior speed dating event. Former participants were invited to talk about their experience to the audience. Thank you to Henry, Jenna and Tony for coming to share their stories about Companion Connections.
October 28 I flew to Minneapolis to attend Risky Business, a two day conference sponsored by the Minneapolis Association of Senior Workers. I spoke to about 200 people about The NEW Sex Ed 101:Seniors, Sex and STDs in the 21st Century. I had the audience laughing and enjoying themselves while learning essential tips and techniques for speaking to their older clients about safer sex and health sexuality. I had just enough time after the condom demonstration to rush to the airport to catch the last flight to Toronto! It was a successful event and many thanks to the conference organizers for inviting me. I always welcome every opportunity to speak about sex!
October 19, I attended the Older Adult Centres Association of Ontario Conference. I presented workshops on safer sex over 60 to two enthusiastic groups of administrators, program directors and staff. There was alot of learning and sharing that day. My thanks to the all the staff at the OACAO. I'm glad I had the opportunity to present my work to peers in the field of senior care.
The following Tuesday, October 20, I was a presenter at the Keep on Rockin' Sexuality and Aging Symposium sponsored by the Canadian Research Network for Care in the Community. I presented on my experience implementing a senior speed dating program at St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre. I was honoured to be in a lineup of speakers that included two of my heroes in the field of senior sexuality--Dr. Merryn Gott, Professor, Health Sciences, University of Auckland and Peggy Brick, Author and Educator. The impressive list of speakers also included Michael Bauer, Lecturer, La Trobe University; Bill Ryan, Adjunct Professor, McGill University; Devan Nambiar, Education Coordinator, Rainbow Health Ontari. My sincere thanks to the organizers for inviting me and to the conference chairs, A. Paul Williams and Janet M. Lum.
Here is a link to the conference: http://www.ryerson.ca/crncc/sexualityandaging.html
I also presented on the topic of senior speed dating at the OCSA Great Ideas Conference held October 22nd. I talked about the challenges and rewards about implementing a senior speed dating event. Former participants were invited to talk about their experience to the audience. Thank you to Henry, Jenna and Tony for coming to share their stories about Companion Connections.
October 28 I flew to Minneapolis to attend Risky Business, a two day conference sponsored by the Minneapolis Association of Senior Workers. I spoke to about 200 people about The NEW Sex Ed 101:Seniors, Sex and STDs in the 21st Century. I had the audience laughing and enjoying themselves while learning essential tips and techniques for speaking to their older clients about safer sex and health sexuality. I had just enough time after the condom demonstration to rush to the airport to catch the last flight to Toronto! It was a successful event and many thanks to the conference organizers for inviting me. I always welcome every opportunity to speak about sex!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Are you ready to date again?
Another piece by Chelsea Kaplan delves into the trials and tribulations of dating for older adults and seniors. It can be like landing on an alien planet, particularly if one has been in a long term monogamous relationship. There may have been a divorce or loss of spouse and you may feel that you'll never find a new companion. It can take a long time to heal from past relationships. Remember: Don't rush into anything. Take it slow and make sure you're ready and motivated to meet new people. This can be the beginning of an exciting new chapter in your life.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Are you ready to date again?
By Chelsea Kaplan
Whether you’ve endured a divorce or the loss of a spouse, deciding on the right time to begin dating again can be difficult. Often it’s emotional baggage that’s keeping you from jumping back into the dating pool, but reasons like lack of confidence and feelings of guilt can also serve as roadblocks on the path to finding new love. How do you choose the right time to take another shot at finding The One? Below, Carole Brody Fleet, author of Widows Wear Stilettos, offers her tips on when you can best gauge the right time to begin dating again.
1. When you have recovered from your grief
“Immediately following divorce or death, at the height of grief or during what may very well be the worst time in your life is not the time to jump headlong back into dating,” Fleet says. Like it or not, before resuming dating, you must first heal from the pain of the divorce or death of your spouse. Unfortunately, such recovery doesn’t occur overnight. “Before dating again, take the time and patience to sufficiently recover from the trauma that you have experienced and to get to know yourself as a single person,” Fleet recommends. Don’t let other people’s urgings that it’s time to get back out there again sway you. Trust yourself that you’ll know when the time is right.
2. When you realize that you are not guilty
When you have been functioning in life as one-half of a couple, you become conditioned to thinking of yourself in those terms, Fleet says. “It’s jarring when all of sudden — whether by divorce or by death — you are single, yet your emotional being is still in the ‘one-half of a couple’ mindset,” she explains. When you find yourself attracted to someone or you make a decision to resume dating, you may feel guilty, almost as if you are cheating on your ex or late spouse, not to mention your children, his family or all of the above.
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While guilt is a perfectly normal emotion to encounter during the healing process, it can nonetheless hold you back from returning to dating. “Your realizing and accepting that your previous relationship has ended and that there is no reason to feel guilty about dating or seeking companionship is a necessary step in the knowledge that you are ready to re-enter the world of dating,” Fleet says.
3. When you’ve let go of your anger
It is absolutely normal to feel angry at whatever circumstances ended your relationship. “Of course you’re going to be angry with an abusive or unfaithful spouse or at the circumstances surrounding a spouse’s death—after all, you’re a good person and you did not deserve this,” Fleet says. Sadly however, Fleet says many choose to stay “in the angry” or “in the bitter” to the point that they are unable to move forward with their lives. “These same people may take this anger out on their children, their friends, their work colleagues and yes, prospective dates as well,” she notes. The resolution of your anger is an important step toward readying yourself for dating again. “When you have made peace with the circumstances that ended your last relationship and you have begun to move forward from that loss into your new life, you are truly ready to begin exploring the world of dating again,” Fleet says.
4. When you’ve left the “ghost of marriage past” in the past
Fleet points out that many people who are widowed or divorced have “selective amnesia” when it comes to their previous relationship: Remembering only the good in the person no longer in their lives, the good times that they had with them and the good memories that they’ll have always. Sometimes, the case is just the opposite, and only bad memories remain. “Avoid using your previous relationship as a ‘yardstick’ against which you are measuring prospective dates—they will not be able to compete,” Fleet cautions. By all means, treasure the wonderful memories that you have and try as best as you can to let go of the painful ones, but before you begin dating again, you must put the ghost of relationships past in its proper place in order to enjoy someone new.”
5. When you’re happy being on your own
Are you content within yourself as a single person, on your own without the necessity of the presence of another person? Being happy by yourself means a contentment to be in your home by yourself—with or without children, and that you have a life that is your own and is fulfilling in its own right, Fleet says. “Do you have your own career, your own hobbies, your own pursuits, your own set of friends with whom you play sports, lunch, drink or dine?” Fleet asks. “When you are content with yourself, you are genuinely ready to begin the dating process again, because you are not simply filling the void that your last partner left behind; you are instead opening your heart and your mind to the possibility of a new relationship.”
6. When you can go out alone and have fun
The “companion” element to being happy on your own is the ability to go out alone and enjoy yourself, Fleet says: “As a society, we are accustomed to either traveling in packs or with a spouse or significant other; however, you must be happy and content with your own company both within your four walls as well as in the outside world before you should begin dating again.” To get to this point of self-sufficiency, Fleet suggests going out to dinner or to a movie by yourself. “Finding this contentment will enable you to make wise decisions in your dating choices and when you do meet that someone special, it will be for all of the right reasons,” she says.
7. When you’re truly emotionally available
According to Fleet, your emotional availability will have everything to do with not only the amount of time that you have spent recovering from your divorce or the death of your spouse, but also your willingness to make yourself emotionally available. “I once dated a man who had not recovered from being broken up with in high school—30 years earlier!” she remembers. “This gentleman made a conscious decision not to make himself emotionally available to anyone else because of a prior bad experience.” Her advice: Ask yourself if you are truly ready for the dating experience and if you are capable of making yourself emotionally available to another. “If you don’t feel quite ready yet, back up and take more time for you, but please don’t take 30 years!” she advises.
8. When you’re capable of trusting again
Nearly everyone has been taken advantage of and otherwise treated shabbily by a former mate. Should we learn from our past experiences in order to avoid repeating history? Definitely. Should we take our past out on our future? Absolutely not, says Fleet: “To make the unilateral decision that ‘All men lie and cheat’ or ‘All women are gold-digging opportunists’ rather unfairly condemns an entire sex because of the actions of a few.” Regardless of your history, you must have the ability to trust others before you begin dating again. If you judge others on the misdeeds and wrongdoings of the last person in your life, Fleet says you’ll be doomed to disappointment on the dating front.
Put all this advice together, and here’s the bottom line: The whole process of re-entering the dating world after divorce or death is rather like testing a bruise to see if it still hurts, Fleet says: “Have you ever had a really nasty, awful-looking bruise? After time, it may look like the bruise is all cleared up, yet when you push on the spot, it still smarts a bit. By the same token, there is a bruise of sorts on your heart as you recover from the loss of your spouse; whether by divorce or by death.” As with a bruise, Fleet advises that from time to time, you push on that spot in your heart. “If it’s still too painful… quit pushing—it means that it’s not time for you to be dating yet!” she says. However, she says that just like with a bruise, eventually that tender spot in your heart does heal—and so will you. “You will know when the time is right if you listen to and trust in yourself,” she asserts.
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=7550&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Are you ready to date again?
By Chelsea Kaplan
Whether you’ve endured a divorce or the loss of a spouse, deciding on the right time to begin dating again can be difficult. Often it’s emotional baggage that’s keeping you from jumping back into the dating pool, but reasons like lack of confidence and feelings of guilt can also serve as roadblocks on the path to finding new love. How do you choose the right time to take another shot at finding The One? Below, Carole Brody Fleet, author of Widows Wear Stilettos, offers her tips on when you can best gauge the right time to begin dating again.
1. When you have recovered from your grief
“Immediately following divorce or death, at the height of grief or during what may very well be the worst time in your life is not the time to jump headlong back into dating,” Fleet says. Like it or not, before resuming dating, you must first heal from the pain of the divorce or death of your spouse. Unfortunately, such recovery doesn’t occur overnight. “Before dating again, take the time and patience to sufficiently recover from the trauma that you have experienced and to get to know yourself as a single person,” Fleet recommends. Don’t let other people’s urgings that it’s time to get back out there again sway you. Trust yourself that you’ll know when the time is right.
2. When you realize that you are not guilty
When you have been functioning in life as one-half of a couple, you become conditioned to thinking of yourself in those terms, Fleet says. “It’s jarring when all of sudden — whether by divorce or by death — you are single, yet your emotional being is still in the ‘one-half of a couple’ mindset,” she explains. When you find yourself attracted to someone or you make a decision to resume dating, you may feel guilty, almost as if you are cheating on your ex or late spouse, not to mention your children, his family or all of the above.
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While guilt is a perfectly normal emotion to encounter during the healing process, it can nonetheless hold you back from returning to dating. “Your realizing and accepting that your previous relationship has ended and that there is no reason to feel guilty about dating or seeking companionship is a necessary step in the knowledge that you are ready to re-enter the world of dating,” Fleet says.
3. When you’ve let go of your anger
It is absolutely normal to feel angry at whatever circumstances ended your relationship. “Of course you’re going to be angry with an abusive or unfaithful spouse or at the circumstances surrounding a spouse’s death—after all, you’re a good person and you did not deserve this,” Fleet says. Sadly however, Fleet says many choose to stay “in the angry” or “in the bitter” to the point that they are unable to move forward with their lives. “These same people may take this anger out on their children, their friends, their work colleagues and yes, prospective dates as well,” she notes. The resolution of your anger is an important step toward readying yourself for dating again. “When you have made peace with the circumstances that ended your last relationship and you have begun to move forward from that loss into your new life, you are truly ready to begin exploring the world of dating again,” Fleet says.
4. When you’ve left the “ghost of marriage past” in the past
Fleet points out that many people who are widowed or divorced have “selective amnesia” when it comes to their previous relationship: Remembering only the good in the person no longer in their lives, the good times that they had with them and the good memories that they’ll have always. Sometimes, the case is just the opposite, and only bad memories remain. “Avoid using your previous relationship as a ‘yardstick’ against which you are measuring prospective dates—they will not be able to compete,” Fleet cautions. By all means, treasure the wonderful memories that you have and try as best as you can to let go of the painful ones, but before you begin dating again, you must put the ghost of relationships past in its proper place in order to enjoy someone new.”
5. When you’re happy being on your own
Are you content within yourself as a single person, on your own without the necessity of the presence of another person? Being happy by yourself means a contentment to be in your home by yourself—with or without children, and that you have a life that is your own and is fulfilling in its own right, Fleet says. “Do you have your own career, your own hobbies, your own pursuits, your own set of friends with whom you play sports, lunch, drink or dine?” Fleet asks. “When you are content with yourself, you are genuinely ready to begin the dating process again, because you are not simply filling the void that your last partner left behind; you are instead opening your heart and your mind to the possibility of a new relationship.”
6. When you can go out alone and have fun
The “companion” element to being happy on your own is the ability to go out alone and enjoy yourself, Fleet says: “As a society, we are accustomed to either traveling in packs or with a spouse or significant other; however, you must be happy and content with your own company both within your four walls as well as in the outside world before you should begin dating again.” To get to this point of self-sufficiency, Fleet suggests going out to dinner or to a movie by yourself. “Finding this contentment will enable you to make wise decisions in your dating choices and when you do meet that someone special, it will be for all of the right reasons,” she says.
7. When you’re truly emotionally available
According to Fleet, your emotional availability will have everything to do with not only the amount of time that you have spent recovering from your divorce or the death of your spouse, but also your willingness to make yourself emotionally available. “I once dated a man who had not recovered from being broken up with in high school—30 years earlier!” she remembers. “This gentleman made a conscious decision not to make himself emotionally available to anyone else because of a prior bad experience.” Her advice: Ask yourself if you are truly ready for the dating experience and if you are capable of making yourself emotionally available to another. “If you don’t feel quite ready yet, back up and take more time for you, but please don’t take 30 years!” she advises.
8. When you’re capable of trusting again
Nearly everyone has been taken advantage of and otherwise treated shabbily by a former mate. Should we learn from our past experiences in order to avoid repeating history? Definitely. Should we take our past out on our future? Absolutely not, says Fleet: “To make the unilateral decision that ‘All men lie and cheat’ or ‘All women are gold-digging opportunists’ rather unfairly condemns an entire sex because of the actions of a few.” Regardless of your history, you must have the ability to trust others before you begin dating again. If you judge others on the misdeeds and wrongdoings of the last person in your life, Fleet says you’ll be doomed to disappointment on the dating front.
Put all this advice together, and here’s the bottom line: The whole process of re-entering the dating world after divorce or death is rather like testing a bruise to see if it still hurts, Fleet says: “Have you ever had a really nasty, awful-looking bruise? After time, it may look like the bruise is all cleared up, yet when you push on the spot, it still smarts a bit. By the same token, there is a bruise of sorts on your heart as you recover from the loss of your spouse; whether by divorce or by death.” As with a bruise, Fleet advises that from time to time, you push on that spot in your heart. “If it’s still too painful… quit pushing—it means that it’s not time for you to be dating yet!” she says. However, she says that just like with a bruise, eventually that tender spot in your heart does heal—and so will you. “You will know when the time is right if you listen to and trust in yourself,” she asserts.
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=7550&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
Boomers: What do you want from a relationship?
As SageHealth is moving in senior dating and relationships, this on relationships for older adults and seniors. Dating is difficult at any age. There's just a different set of issues involved when people enter the dating waters at 50+.
We know ourselves alot better than we did as teenagers. There is a more stable balance between compatibility and independence and family responsibilities. Read on for some timely advice on looking for love and romance.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Boomers: What do you want from a relationship?By Chelsea Kaplan
When you’re dating in midlife, it soon becomes obvious that your — not to mention your date’s — idea of a good relationship has most likely changed since you were first single. Whether it’s that great sex has taken a backseat to great conversation or that desire to start a family has been replaced with a desire to blend families, midlife singles have different priorities when it comes to their idea of what makes a perfect partnership, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author and host of Detroit’s popular “Love Doctor” television and radio programs. Ready for a real-deal midlife relationship? Below, learn the relationship components that she says are most desired by midlife singles looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. You’ll gain great insights into what you should be searching for, too!
1. A perfectly independent person
For many single boomers, finding a mate who is self-sufficient is paramount, says Orbuch. “Singles over 50 who are looking for love are usually turned off by a date who is unable to do things on his or her own or is dependent on others when it comes to performing general household tasks,” she explains. Larry, 57, a retired teacher in Bronxville, NY, remembers recently dating a woman who had never paid her own bills or balanced her own checkbook: “It really surprised me that she had lived her entire life being completely in the dark when it came to managing her finances. These days, I’m looking for someone who’s more independent than that — a woman who doesn’t need me to take care of her.”
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Carol, 61, a social worker in Englewood, NJ, feels similarly: “I’m always surprised at how many men my age can’t cook for themselves or even do their own laundry. I’ve already raised three kids; I’m not interested in ‘mothering’ anyone else. I need a man who is self-sufficient enough to take care of himself, someone who’s looking for a real companion and lover and not a caretaker in the domestic sense of the word.”
2. An understanding of the ex factor
When you’re dating in midlife, there’s a good chance your date’s been married before and, as a result, comes with some strings attached. Because of this, most midlife singles are looking for partners who are willing to take an interest in their kids — or at the very least coexist peacefully with their offspring and, in many circumstances, their ex and former in-laws. Gina, 58, a real estate agent in Bellevue, WA, says it’s vital that a partner accept the fact that her ex and his family are still a big part of her life: “My ex-husband and I actively share custody of our kids, so he and I frequently communicate about them. Additionally, because his parents and I are still close and they are a big part of my kids’ lives, I see them a good amount, too. If the man I date is threatened by this, our relationship won’t last.”
3. More romance, which doesn’t always mean more sex
Midlife singles say their definition of physical or sexual intimacy may have changed as they’ve gotten older, observes Orbuch, noting that touch, affection and other forms of intimacy are equally important to midlife singles. “I’ve had great sex in the past, sure, but getting into relationships that were not fueled by much more than physical passion led me to two divorces,” says Mary, 50, an office manager in Hendersonville, TN. “Now I need more from a guy to feel like we’re really connecting on a meaningful level, or at least one that qualifies itself as relationship-worthy. He’s got to be genuinely affectionate with me — holding my hand, kissing me sweetly and hugging me after a long day to really keep my attention and communicate to me that he loves me. I guess I’ve realized that sex doesn’t mean love and that this other kind of stuff does.”
As men age, they often discover the joys of nonsexual displays of affection too. “I’m all for cuddling these days, certainly in a way that I wasn’t when I was younger,” says Ben, 65, a writer in Hacienda Heights, CA. “Maybe it’s because I’m not the hormonal devil I was in my youth, or maybe because it’s that I’ve realized that establishing a really intimate connection with someone needs to exist in places other than just between the sheets.” While science suggests that a decline in testosterone production accounts for this shift, other doctors chalk it up to a mature man’s ability to better express himself emotionally.
4. Keep it harmonious, please
For many midlife singles, the emotional aftermath of a messy divorce leads them to seek as easy and pleasant a relationship as possible. “Toward the end of my relationship, my wife and I were fighting like cats and dogs, saying really hurtful things to each other. It had become like that movie The War of the Roses. The last thing I wanted was another relationship roller coaster,” says David, 52, a landscaper in Rockville, MD. “The number one quality I’m looking for in a partner is that she’s a caring, warm person.” Robin, 54, an executive assistant in Kansas City, MO, also says that her painful divorce caused her to truly value supportiveness. “My ex and I really battled it out in court; it was very one side against the other. I’ve had enough drama to last a lifetime! What I want is for it to be smooth sailing — none of this fiery stuff.”
Orbuch said she’s heard these types of sentiments repeatedly. “When I speak with singles over 50, they, especially the ones who’ve been divorced, always say they need and want someone who is emotionally mature,” she says. “When pushed to clarify, they laugh and say, ‘You know, someone who isn’t afraid to be loving, kind and understanding.’”
5. Excitement!
Who says excitement is only for the young? “I’m 58, but deep down I feel 35,” says Diane, a real estate agent in Pittsburgh, PA. “I want to meet someone with whom I can have fun and enjoy life. I once dated this guy who just wanted to stay inside and watch CBNC all day. What kind of fun is that? I’ve got a cabin at the lake and I love hiking, mountain biking and kayaking up there. I want to meet someone who will be able to participate in those activities with me.”
Randy, 60, an automobile-dealership owner in Lake Forest, IL, says he’s looking for someone adventurous enough to share his love of exotic travel. “At this point in my life, I’ve already put my kids through school and am now able to travel a lot for pleasure,” he says. “I want to enjoy traveling to all the places I’ve always wanted to see, like Belize to bonefish and Tibet to climb mountains and go on a yoga retreat. In the past, I’ve met ladies who, when I mentioned these ideas, said things like ‘Fishing?’ or ‘I’m too old for mountain climbing!’ I don’t feel too old at all! And it doesn’t have to be that exotic — just trying a new, exotic restaurant is fun. It’s about taking some risks and growing. Now is the best time of your life to do this kind of thing. Savor it!”
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of The Family Groove and a regular guest on Sirius XM Radio's “Broadminded.” Read more from Chelsea on her blog, “The Momtourage.”
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=10426&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
We know ourselves alot better than we did as teenagers. There is a more stable balance between compatibility and independence and family responsibilities. Read on for some timely advice on looking for love and romance.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Boomers: What do you want from a relationship?By Chelsea Kaplan
When you’re dating in midlife, it soon becomes obvious that your — not to mention your date’s — idea of a good relationship has most likely changed since you were first single. Whether it’s that great sex has taken a backseat to great conversation or that desire to start a family has been replaced with a desire to blend families, midlife singles have different priorities when it comes to their idea of what makes a perfect partnership, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author and host of Detroit’s popular “Love Doctor” television and radio programs. Ready for a real-deal midlife relationship? Below, learn the relationship components that she says are most desired by midlife singles looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. You’ll gain great insights into what you should be searching for, too!
1. A perfectly independent person
For many single boomers, finding a mate who is self-sufficient is paramount, says Orbuch. “Singles over 50 who are looking for love are usually turned off by a date who is unable to do things on his or her own or is dependent on others when it comes to performing general household tasks,” she explains. Larry, 57, a retired teacher in Bronxville, NY, remembers recently dating a woman who had never paid her own bills or balanced her own checkbook: “It really surprised me that she had lived her entire life being completely in the dark when it came to managing her finances. These days, I’m looking for someone who’s more independent than that — a woman who doesn’t need me to take care of her.”
View photos of singles in your area - FREE
Meet nearby singles - See profiles & pics now
Complete Chemistry's personality quiz & get matches
Carol, 61, a social worker in Englewood, NJ, feels similarly: “I’m always surprised at how many men my age can’t cook for themselves or even do their own laundry. I’ve already raised three kids; I’m not interested in ‘mothering’ anyone else. I need a man who is self-sufficient enough to take care of himself, someone who’s looking for a real companion and lover and not a caretaker in the domestic sense of the word.”
2. An understanding of the ex factor
When you’re dating in midlife, there’s a good chance your date’s been married before and, as a result, comes with some strings attached. Because of this, most midlife singles are looking for partners who are willing to take an interest in their kids — or at the very least coexist peacefully with their offspring and, in many circumstances, their ex and former in-laws. Gina, 58, a real estate agent in Bellevue, WA, says it’s vital that a partner accept the fact that her ex and his family are still a big part of her life: “My ex-husband and I actively share custody of our kids, so he and I frequently communicate about them. Additionally, because his parents and I are still close and they are a big part of my kids’ lives, I see them a good amount, too. If the man I date is threatened by this, our relationship won’t last.”
3. More romance, which doesn’t always mean more sex
Midlife singles say their definition of physical or sexual intimacy may have changed as they’ve gotten older, observes Orbuch, noting that touch, affection and other forms of intimacy are equally important to midlife singles. “I’ve had great sex in the past, sure, but getting into relationships that were not fueled by much more than physical passion led me to two divorces,” says Mary, 50, an office manager in Hendersonville, TN. “Now I need more from a guy to feel like we’re really connecting on a meaningful level, or at least one that qualifies itself as relationship-worthy. He’s got to be genuinely affectionate with me — holding my hand, kissing me sweetly and hugging me after a long day to really keep my attention and communicate to me that he loves me. I guess I’ve realized that sex doesn’t mean love and that this other kind of stuff does.”
As men age, they often discover the joys of nonsexual displays of affection too. “I’m all for cuddling these days, certainly in a way that I wasn’t when I was younger,” says Ben, 65, a writer in Hacienda Heights, CA. “Maybe it’s because I’m not the hormonal devil I was in my youth, or maybe because it’s that I’ve realized that establishing a really intimate connection with someone needs to exist in places other than just between the sheets.” While science suggests that a decline in testosterone production accounts for this shift, other doctors chalk it up to a mature man’s ability to better express himself emotionally.
4. Keep it harmonious, please
For many midlife singles, the emotional aftermath of a messy divorce leads them to seek as easy and pleasant a relationship as possible. “Toward the end of my relationship, my wife and I were fighting like cats and dogs, saying really hurtful things to each other. It had become like that movie The War of the Roses. The last thing I wanted was another relationship roller coaster,” says David, 52, a landscaper in Rockville, MD. “The number one quality I’m looking for in a partner is that she’s a caring, warm person.” Robin, 54, an executive assistant in Kansas City, MO, also says that her painful divorce caused her to truly value supportiveness. “My ex and I really battled it out in court; it was very one side against the other. I’ve had enough drama to last a lifetime! What I want is for it to be smooth sailing — none of this fiery stuff.”
Orbuch said she’s heard these types of sentiments repeatedly. “When I speak with singles over 50, they, especially the ones who’ve been divorced, always say they need and want someone who is emotionally mature,” she says. “When pushed to clarify, they laugh and say, ‘You know, someone who isn’t afraid to be loving, kind and understanding.’”
5. Excitement!
Who says excitement is only for the young? “I’m 58, but deep down I feel 35,” says Diane, a real estate agent in Pittsburgh, PA. “I want to meet someone with whom I can have fun and enjoy life. I once dated this guy who just wanted to stay inside and watch CBNC all day. What kind of fun is that? I’ve got a cabin at the lake and I love hiking, mountain biking and kayaking up there. I want to meet someone who will be able to participate in those activities with me.”
Randy, 60, an automobile-dealership owner in Lake Forest, IL, says he’s looking for someone adventurous enough to share his love of exotic travel. “At this point in my life, I’ve already put my kids through school and am now able to travel a lot for pleasure,” he says. “I want to enjoy traveling to all the places I’ve always wanted to see, like Belize to bonefish and Tibet to climb mountains and go on a yoga retreat. In the past, I’ve met ladies who, when I mentioned these ideas, said things like ‘Fishing?’ or ‘I’m too old for mountain climbing!’ I don’t feel too old at all! And it doesn’t have to be that exotic — just trying a new, exotic restaurant is fun. It’s about taking some risks and growing. Now is the best time of your life to do this kind of thing. Savor it!”
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of The Family Groove and a regular guest on Sirius XM Radio's “Broadminded.” Read more from Chelsea on her blog, “The Momtourage.”
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=10426&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
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