This year has been very exciting for SageHealth Network. From the broadcast of The Current in January on CBC to the rush of conference presentations in October. I had a very busy fall preparing for 4 conferences and spreading the word of senior sexuality and intimacy.
October 19, I attended the Older Adult Centres Association of Ontario Conference. I presented workshops on safer sex over 60 to two enthusiastic groups of administrators, program directors and staff. There was alot of learning and sharing that day. My thanks to the all the staff at the OACAO. I'm glad I had the opportunity to present my work to peers in the field of senior care.
The following Tuesday, October 20, I was a presenter at the Keep on Rockin' Sexuality and Aging Symposium sponsored by the Canadian Research Network for Care in the Community. I presented on my experience implementing a senior speed dating program at St. Paul's L'Amoreaux Centre. I was honoured to be in a lineup of speakers that included two of my heroes in the field of senior sexuality--Dr. Merryn Gott, Professor, Health Sciences, University of Auckland and Peggy Brick, Author and Educator. The impressive list of speakers also included Michael Bauer, Lecturer, La Trobe University; Bill Ryan, Adjunct Professor, McGill University; Devan Nambiar, Education Coordinator, Rainbow Health Ontari. My sincere thanks to the organizers for inviting me and to the conference chairs, A. Paul Williams and Janet M. Lum.
Here is a link to the conference: http://www.ryerson.ca/crncc/sexualityandaging.html
I also presented on the topic of senior speed dating at the OCSA Great Ideas Conference held October 22nd. I talked about the challenges and rewards about implementing a senior speed dating event. Former participants were invited to talk about their experience to the audience. Thank you to Henry, Jenna and Tony for coming to share their stories about Companion Connections.
October 28 I flew to Minneapolis to attend Risky Business, a two day conference sponsored by the Minneapolis Association of Senior Workers. I spoke to about 200 people about The NEW Sex Ed 101:Seniors, Sex and STDs in the 21st Century. I had the audience laughing and enjoying themselves while learning essential tips and techniques for speaking to their older clients about safer sex and health sexuality. I had just enough time after the condom demonstration to rush to the airport to catch the last flight to Toronto! It was a successful event and many thanks to the conference organizers for inviting me. I always welcome every opportunity to speak about sex!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Are you ready to date again?
Another piece by Chelsea Kaplan delves into the trials and tribulations of dating for older adults and seniors. It can be like landing on an alien planet, particularly if one has been in a long term monogamous relationship. There may have been a divorce or loss of spouse and you may feel that you'll never find a new companion. It can take a long time to heal from past relationships. Remember: Don't rush into anything. Take it slow and make sure you're ready and motivated to meet new people. This can be the beginning of an exciting new chapter in your life.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Are you ready to date again?
By Chelsea Kaplan
Whether you’ve endured a divorce or the loss of a spouse, deciding on the right time to begin dating again can be difficult. Often it’s emotional baggage that’s keeping you from jumping back into the dating pool, but reasons like lack of confidence and feelings of guilt can also serve as roadblocks on the path to finding new love. How do you choose the right time to take another shot at finding The One? Below, Carole Brody Fleet, author of Widows Wear Stilettos, offers her tips on when you can best gauge the right time to begin dating again.
1. When you have recovered from your grief
“Immediately following divorce or death, at the height of grief or during what may very well be the worst time in your life is not the time to jump headlong back into dating,” Fleet says. Like it or not, before resuming dating, you must first heal from the pain of the divorce or death of your spouse. Unfortunately, such recovery doesn’t occur overnight. “Before dating again, take the time and patience to sufficiently recover from the trauma that you have experienced and to get to know yourself as a single person,” Fleet recommends. Don’t let other people’s urgings that it’s time to get back out there again sway you. Trust yourself that you’ll know when the time is right.
2. When you realize that you are not guilty
When you have been functioning in life as one-half of a couple, you become conditioned to thinking of yourself in those terms, Fleet says. “It’s jarring when all of sudden — whether by divorce or by death — you are single, yet your emotional being is still in the ‘one-half of a couple’ mindset,” she explains. When you find yourself attracted to someone or you make a decision to resume dating, you may feel guilty, almost as if you are cheating on your ex or late spouse, not to mention your children, his family or all of the above.
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While guilt is a perfectly normal emotion to encounter during the healing process, it can nonetheless hold you back from returning to dating. “Your realizing and accepting that your previous relationship has ended and that there is no reason to feel guilty about dating or seeking companionship is a necessary step in the knowledge that you are ready to re-enter the world of dating,” Fleet says.
3. When you’ve let go of your anger
It is absolutely normal to feel angry at whatever circumstances ended your relationship. “Of course you’re going to be angry with an abusive or unfaithful spouse or at the circumstances surrounding a spouse’s death—after all, you’re a good person and you did not deserve this,” Fleet says. Sadly however, Fleet says many choose to stay “in the angry” or “in the bitter” to the point that they are unable to move forward with their lives. “These same people may take this anger out on their children, their friends, their work colleagues and yes, prospective dates as well,” she notes. The resolution of your anger is an important step toward readying yourself for dating again. “When you have made peace with the circumstances that ended your last relationship and you have begun to move forward from that loss into your new life, you are truly ready to begin exploring the world of dating again,” Fleet says.
4. When you’ve left the “ghost of marriage past” in the past
Fleet points out that many people who are widowed or divorced have “selective amnesia” when it comes to their previous relationship: Remembering only the good in the person no longer in their lives, the good times that they had with them and the good memories that they’ll have always. Sometimes, the case is just the opposite, and only bad memories remain. “Avoid using your previous relationship as a ‘yardstick’ against which you are measuring prospective dates—they will not be able to compete,” Fleet cautions. By all means, treasure the wonderful memories that you have and try as best as you can to let go of the painful ones, but before you begin dating again, you must put the ghost of relationships past in its proper place in order to enjoy someone new.”
5. When you’re happy being on your own
Are you content within yourself as a single person, on your own without the necessity of the presence of another person? Being happy by yourself means a contentment to be in your home by yourself—with or without children, and that you have a life that is your own and is fulfilling in its own right, Fleet says. “Do you have your own career, your own hobbies, your own pursuits, your own set of friends with whom you play sports, lunch, drink or dine?” Fleet asks. “When you are content with yourself, you are genuinely ready to begin the dating process again, because you are not simply filling the void that your last partner left behind; you are instead opening your heart and your mind to the possibility of a new relationship.”
6. When you can go out alone and have fun
The “companion” element to being happy on your own is the ability to go out alone and enjoy yourself, Fleet says: “As a society, we are accustomed to either traveling in packs or with a spouse or significant other; however, you must be happy and content with your own company both within your four walls as well as in the outside world before you should begin dating again.” To get to this point of self-sufficiency, Fleet suggests going out to dinner or to a movie by yourself. “Finding this contentment will enable you to make wise decisions in your dating choices and when you do meet that someone special, it will be for all of the right reasons,” she says.
7. When you’re truly emotionally available
According to Fleet, your emotional availability will have everything to do with not only the amount of time that you have spent recovering from your divorce or the death of your spouse, but also your willingness to make yourself emotionally available. “I once dated a man who had not recovered from being broken up with in high school—30 years earlier!” she remembers. “This gentleman made a conscious decision not to make himself emotionally available to anyone else because of a prior bad experience.” Her advice: Ask yourself if you are truly ready for the dating experience and if you are capable of making yourself emotionally available to another. “If you don’t feel quite ready yet, back up and take more time for you, but please don’t take 30 years!” she advises.
8. When you’re capable of trusting again
Nearly everyone has been taken advantage of and otherwise treated shabbily by a former mate. Should we learn from our past experiences in order to avoid repeating history? Definitely. Should we take our past out on our future? Absolutely not, says Fleet: “To make the unilateral decision that ‘All men lie and cheat’ or ‘All women are gold-digging opportunists’ rather unfairly condemns an entire sex because of the actions of a few.” Regardless of your history, you must have the ability to trust others before you begin dating again. If you judge others on the misdeeds and wrongdoings of the last person in your life, Fleet says you’ll be doomed to disappointment on the dating front.
Put all this advice together, and here’s the bottom line: The whole process of re-entering the dating world after divorce or death is rather like testing a bruise to see if it still hurts, Fleet says: “Have you ever had a really nasty, awful-looking bruise? After time, it may look like the bruise is all cleared up, yet when you push on the spot, it still smarts a bit. By the same token, there is a bruise of sorts on your heart as you recover from the loss of your spouse; whether by divorce or by death.” As with a bruise, Fleet advises that from time to time, you push on that spot in your heart. “If it’s still too painful… quit pushing—it means that it’s not time for you to be dating yet!” she says. However, she says that just like with a bruise, eventually that tender spot in your heart does heal—and so will you. “You will know when the time is right if you listen to and trust in yourself,” she asserts.
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=7550&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Are you ready to date again?
By Chelsea Kaplan
Whether you’ve endured a divorce or the loss of a spouse, deciding on the right time to begin dating again can be difficult. Often it’s emotional baggage that’s keeping you from jumping back into the dating pool, but reasons like lack of confidence and feelings of guilt can also serve as roadblocks on the path to finding new love. How do you choose the right time to take another shot at finding The One? Below, Carole Brody Fleet, author of Widows Wear Stilettos, offers her tips on when you can best gauge the right time to begin dating again.
1. When you have recovered from your grief
“Immediately following divorce or death, at the height of grief or during what may very well be the worst time in your life is not the time to jump headlong back into dating,” Fleet says. Like it or not, before resuming dating, you must first heal from the pain of the divorce or death of your spouse. Unfortunately, such recovery doesn’t occur overnight. “Before dating again, take the time and patience to sufficiently recover from the trauma that you have experienced and to get to know yourself as a single person,” Fleet recommends. Don’t let other people’s urgings that it’s time to get back out there again sway you. Trust yourself that you’ll know when the time is right.
2. When you realize that you are not guilty
When you have been functioning in life as one-half of a couple, you become conditioned to thinking of yourself in those terms, Fleet says. “It’s jarring when all of sudden — whether by divorce or by death — you are single, yet your emotional being is still in the ‘one-half of a couple’ mindset,” she explains. When you find yourself attracted to someone or you make a decision to resume dating, you may feel guilty, almost as if you are cheating on your ex or late spouse, not to mention your children, his family or all of the above.
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While guilt is a perfectly normal emotion to encounter during the healing process, it can nonetheless hold you back from returning to dating. “Your realizing and accepting that your previous relationship has ended and that there is no reason to feel guilty about dating or seeking companionship is a necessary step in the knowledge that you are ready to re-enter the world of dating,” Fleet says.
3. When you’ve let go of your anger
It is absolutely normal to feel angry at whatever circumstances ended your relationship. “Of course you’re going to be angry with an abusive or unfaithful spouse or at the circumstances surrounding a spouse’s death—after all, you’re a good person and you did not deserve this,” Fleet says. Sadly however, Fleet says many choose to stay “in the angry” or “in the bitter” to the point that they are unable to move forward with their lives. “These same people may take this anger out on their children, their friends, their work colleagues and yes, prospective dates as well,” she notes. The resolution of your anger is an important step toward readying yourself for dating again. “When you have made peace with the circumstances that ended your last relationship and you have begun to move forward from that loss into your new life, you are truly ready to begin exploring the world of dating again,” Fleet says.
4. When you’ve left the “ghost of marriage past” in the past
Fleet points out that many people who are widowed or divorced have “selective amnesia” when it comes to their previous relationship: Remembering only the good in the person no longer in their lives, the good times that they had with them and the good memories that they’ll have always. Sometimes, the case is just the opposite, and only bad memories remain. “Avoid using your previous relationship as a ‘yardstick’ against which you are measuring prospective dates—they will not be able to compete,” Fleet cautions. By all means, treasure the wonderful memories that you have and try as best as you can to let go of the painful ones, but before you begin dating again, you must put the ghost of relationships past in its proper place in order to enjoy someone new.”
5. When you’re happy being on your own
Are you content within yourself as a single person, on your own without the necessity of the presence of another person? Being happy by yourself means a contentment to be in your home by yourself—with or without children, and that you have a life that is your own and is fulfilling in its own right, Fleet says. “Do you have your own career, your own hobbies, your own pursuits, your own set of friends with whom you play sports, lunch, drink or dine?” Fleet asks. “When you are content with yourself, you are genuinely ready to begin the dating process again, because you are not simply filling the void that your last partner left behind; you are instead opening your heart and your mind to the possibility of a new relationship.”
6. When you can go out alone and have fun
The “companion” element to being happy on your own is the ability to go out alone and enjoy yourself, Fleet says: “As a society, we are accustomed to either traveling in packs or with a spouse or significant other; however, you must be happy and content with your own company both within your four walls as well as in the outside world before you should begin dating again.” To get to this point of self-sufficiency, Fleet suggests going out to dinner or to a movie by yourself. “Finding this contentment will enable you to make wise decisions in your dating choices and when you do meet that someone special, it will be for all of the right reasons,” she says.
7. When you’re truly emotionally available
According to Fleet, your emotional availability will have everything to do with not only the amount of time that you have spent recovering from your divorce or the death of your spouse, but also your willingness to make yourself emotionally available. “I once dated a man who had not recovered from being broken up with in high school—30 years earlier!” she remembers. “This gentleman made a conscious decision not to make himself emotionally available to anyone else because of a prior bad experience.” Her advice: Ask yourself if you are truly ready for the dating experience and if you are capable of making yourself emotionally available to another. “If you don’t feel quite ready yet, back up and take more time for you, but please don’t take 30 years!” she advises.
8. When you’re capable of trusting again
Nearly everyone has been taken advantage of and otherwise treated shabbily by a former mate. Should we learn from our past experiences in order to avoid repeating history? Definitely. Should we take our past out on our future? Absolutely not, says Fleet: “To make the unilateral decision that ‘All men lie and cheat’ or ‘All women are gold-digging opportunists’ rather unfairly condemns an entire sex because of the actions of a few.” Regardless of your history, you must have the ability to trust others before you begin dating again. If you judge others on the misdeeds and wrongdoings of the last person in your life, Fleet says you’ll be doomed to disappointment on the dating front.
Put all this advice together, and here’s the bottom line: The whole process of re-entering the dating world after divorce or death is rather like testing a bruise to see if it still hurts, Fleet says: “Have you ever had a really nasty, awful-looking bruise? After time, it may look like the bruise is all cleared up, yet when you push on the spot, it still smarts a bit. By the same token, there is a bruise of sorts on your heart as you recover from the loss of your spouse; whether by divorce or by death.” As with a bruise, Fleet advises that from time to time, you push on that spot in your heart. “If it’s still too painful… quit pushing—it means that it’s not time for you to be dating yet!” she says. However, she says that just like with a bruise, eventually that tender spot in your heart does heal—and so will you. “You will know when the time is right if you listen to and trust in yourself,” she asserts.
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor at thefamilygroove.com. Her blog, “I’m Somebody’s Mother?” can be found at www.rumymother.blogspot.com.
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=7550&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
Boomers: What do you want from a relationship?
As SageHealth is moving in senior dating and relationships, this on relationships for older adults and seniors. Dating is difficult at any age. There's just a different set of issues involved when people enter the dating waters at 50+.
We know ourselves alot better than we did as teenagers. There is a more stable balance between compatibility and independence and family responsibilities. Read on for some timely advice on looking for love and romance.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Boomers: What do you want from a relationship?By Chelsea Kaplan
When you’re dating in midlife, it soon becomes obvious that your — not to mention your date’s — idea of a good relationship has most likely changed since you were first single. Whether it’s that great sex has taken a backseat to great conversation or that desire to start a family has been replaced with a desire to blend families, midlife singles have different priorities when it comes to their idea of what makes a perfect partnership, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author and host of Detroit’s popular “Love Doctor” television and radio programs. Ready for a real-deal midlife relationship? Below, learn the relationship components that she says are most desired by midlife singles looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. You’ll gain great insights into what you should be searching for, too!
1. A perfectly independent person
For many single boomers, finding a mate who is self-sufficient is paramount, says Orbuch. “Singles over 50 who are looking for love are usually turned off by a date who is unable to do things on his or her own or is dependent on others when it comes to performing general household tasks,” she explains. Larry, 57, a retired teacher in Bronxville, NY, remembers recently dating a woman who had never paid her own bills or balanced her own checkbook: “It really surprised me that she had lived her entire life being completely in the dark when it came to managing her finances. These days, I’m looking for someone who’s more independent than that — a woman who doesn’t need me to take care of her.”
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Carol, 61, a social worker in Englewood, NJ, feels similarly: “I’m always surprised at how many men my age can’t cook for themselves or even do their own laundry. I’ve already raised three kids; I’m not interested in ‘mothering’ anyone else. I need a man who is self-sufficient enough to take care of himself, someone who’s looking for a real companion and lover and not a caretaker in the domestic sense of the word.”
2. An understanding of the ex factor
When you’re dating in midlife, there’s a good chance your date’s been married before and, as a result, comes with some strings attached. Because of this, most midlife singles are looking for partners who are willing to take an interest in their kids — or at the very least coexist peacefully with their offspring and, in many circumstances, their ex and former in-laws. Gina, 58, a real estate agent in Bellevue, WA, says it’s vital that a partner accept the fact that her ex and his family are still a big part of her life: “My ex-husband and I actively share custody of our kids, so he and I frequently communicate about them. Additionally, because his parents and I are still close and they are a big part of my kids’ lives, I see them a good amount, too. If the man I date is threatened by this, our relationship won’t last.”
3. More romance, which doesn’t always mean more sex
Midlife singles say their definition of physical or sexual intimacy may have changed as they’ve gotten older, observes Orbuch, noting that touch, affection and other forms of intimacy are equally important to midlife singles. “I’ve had great sex in the past, sure, but getting into relationships that were not fueled by much more than physical passion led me to two divorces,” says Mary, 50, an office manager in Hendersonville, TN. “Now I need more from a guy to feel like we’re really connecting on a meaningful level, or at least one that qualifies itself as relationship-worthy. He’s got to be genuinely affectionate with me — holding my hand, kissing me sweetly and hugging me after a long day to really keep my attention and communicate to me that he loves me. I guess I’ve realized that sex doesn’t mean love and that this other kind of stuff does.”
As men age, they often discover the joys of nonsexual displays of affection too. “I’m all for cuddling these days, certainly in a way that I wasn’t when I was younger,” says Ben, 65, a writer in Hacienda Heights, CA. “Maybe it’s because I’m not the hormonal devil I was in my youth, or maybe because it’s that I’ve realized that establishing a really intimate connection with someone needs to exist in places other than just between the sheets.” While science suggests that a decline in testosterone production accounts for this shift, other doctors chalk it up to a mature man’s ability to better express himself emotionally.
4. Keep it harmonious, please
For many midlife singles, the emotional aftermath of a messy divorce leads them to seek as easy and pleasant a relationship as possible. “Toward the end of my relationship, my wife and I were fighting like cats and dogs, saying really hurtful things to each other. It had become like that movie The War of the Roses. The last thing I wanted was another relationship roller coaster,” says David, 52, a landscaper in Rockville, MD. “The number one quality I’m looking for in a partner is that she’s a caring, warm person.” Robin, 54, an executive assistant in Kansas City, MO, also says that her painful divorce caused her to truly value supportiveness. “My ex and I really battled it out in court; it was very one side against the other. I’ve had enough drama to last a lifetime! What I want is for it to be smooth sailing — none of this fiery stuff.”
Orbuch said she’s heard these types of sentiments repeatedly. “When I speak with singles over 50, they, especially the ones who’ve been divorced, always say they need and want someone who is emotionally mature,” she says. “When pushed to clarify, they laugh and say, ‘You know, someone who isn’t afraid to be loving, kind and understanding.’”
5. Excitement!
Who says excitement is only for the young? “I’m 58, but deep down I feel 35,” says Diane, a real estate agent in Pittsburgh, PA. “I want to meet someone with whom I can have fun and enjoy life. I once dated this guy who just wanted to stay inside and watch CBNC all day. What kind of fun is that? I’ve got a cabin at the lake and I love hiking, mountain biking and kayaking up there. I want to meet someone who will be able to participate in those activities with me.”
Randy, 60, an automobile-dealership owner in Lake Forest, IL, says he’s looking for someone adventurous enough to share his love of exotic travel. “At this point in my life, I’ve already put my kids through school and am now able to travel a lot for pleasure,” he says. “I want to enjoy traveling to all the places I’ve always wanted to see, like Belize to bonefish and Tibet to climb mountains and go on a yoga retreat. In the past, I’ve met ladies who, when I mentioned these ideas, said things like ‘Fishing?’ or ‘I’m too old for mountain climbing!’ I don’t feel too old at all! And it doesn’t have to be that exotic — just trying a new, exotic restaurant is fun. It’s about taking some risks and growing. Now is the best time of your life to do this kind of thing. Savor it!”
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of The Family Groove and a regular guest on Sirius XM Radio's “Broadminded.” Read more from Chelsea on her blog, “The Momtourage.”
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=10426&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
We know ourselves alot better than we did as teenagers. There is a more stable balance between compatibility and independence and family responsibilities. Read on for some timely advice on looking for love and romance.
MCauch
SageHealth Network
------------------
Boomers: What do you want from a relationship?By Chelsea Kaplan
When you’re dating in midlife, it soon becomes obvious that your — not to mention your date’s — idea of a good relationship has most likely changed since you were first single. Whether it’s that great sex has taken a backseat to great conversation or that desire to start a family has been replaced with a desire to blend families, midlife singles have different priorities when it comes to their idea of what makes a perfect partnership, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author and host of Detroit’s popular “Love Doctor” television and radio programs. Ready for a real-deal midlife relationship? Below, learn the relationship components that she says are most desired by midlife singles looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. You’ll gain great insights into what you should be searching for, too!
1. A perfectly independent person
For many single boomers, finding a mate who is self-sufficient is paramount, says Orbuch. “Singles over 50 who are looking for love are usually turned off by a date who is unable to do things on his or her own or is dependent on others when it comes to performing general household tasks,” she explains. Larry, 57, a retired teacher in Bronxville, NY, remembers recently dating a woman who had never paid her own bills or balanced her own checkbook: “It really surprised me that she had lived her entire life being completely in the dark when it came to managing her finances. These days, I’m looking for someone who’s more independent than that — a woman who doesn’t need me to take care of her.”
View photos of singles in your area - FREE
Meet nearby singles - See profiles & pics now
Complete Chemistry's personality quiz & get matches
Carol, 61, a social worker in Englewood, NJ, feels similarly: “I’m always surprised at how many men my age can’t cook for themselves or even do their own laundry. I’ve already raised three kids; I’m not interested in ‘mothering’ anyone else. I need a man who is self-sufficient enough to take care of himself, someone who’s looking for a real companion and lover and not a caretaker in the domestic sense of the word.”
2. An understanding of the ex factor
When you’re dating in midlife, there’s a good chance your date’s been married before and, as a result, comes with some strings attached. Because of this, most midlife singles are looking for partners who are willing to take an interest in their kids — or at the very least coexist peacefully with their offspring and, in many circumstances, their ex and former in-laws. Gina, 58, a real estate agent in Bellevue, WA, says it’s vital that a partner accept the fact that her ex and his family are still a big part of her life: “My ex-husband and I actively share custody of our kids, so he and I frequently communicate about them. Additionally, because his parents and I are still close and they are a big part of my kids’ lives, I see them a good amount, too. If the man I date is threatened by this, our relationship won’t last.”
3. More romance, which doesn’t always mean more sex
Midlife singles say their definition of physical or sexual intimacy may have changed as they’ve gotten older, observes Orbuch, noting that touch, affection and other forms of intimacy are equally important to midlife singles. “I’ve had great sex in the past, sure, but getting into relationships that were not fueled by much more than physical passion led me to two divorces,” says Mary, 50, an office manager in Hendersonville, TN. “Now I need more from a guy to feel like we’re really connecting on a meaningful level, or at least one that qualifies itself as relationship-worthy. He’s got to be genuinely affectionate with me — holding my hand, kissing me sweetly and hugging me after a long day to really keep my attention and communicate to me that he loves me. I guess I’ve realized that sex doesn’t mean love and that this other kind of stuff does.”
As men age, they often discover the joys of nonsexual displays of affection too. “I’m all for cuddling these days, certainly in a way that I wasn’t when I was younger,” says Ben, 65, a writer in Hacienda Heights, CA. “Maybe it’s because I’m not the hormonal devil I was in my youth, or maybe because it’s that I’ve realized that establishing a really intimate connection with someone needs to exist in places other than just between the sheets.” While science suggests that a decline in testosterone production accounts for this shift, other doctors chalk it up to a mature man’s ability to better express himself emotionally.
4. Keep it harmonious, please
For many midlife singles, the emotional aftermath of a messy divorce leads them to seek as easy and pleasant a relationship as possible. “Toward the end of my relationship, my wife and I were fighting like cats and dogs, saying really hurtful things to each other. It had become like that movie The War of the Roses. The last thing I wanted was another relationship roller coaster,” says David, 52, a landscaper in Rockville, MD. “The number one quality I’m looking for in a partner is that she’s a caring, warm person.” Robin, 54, an executive assistant in Kansas City, MO, also says that her painful divorce caused her to truly value supportiveness. “My ex and I really battled it out in court; it was very one side against the other. I’ve had enough drama to last a lifetime! What I want is for it to be smooth sailing — none of this fiery stuff.”
Orbuch said she’s heard these types of sentiments repeatedly. “When I speak with singles over 50, they, especially the ones who’ve been divorced, always say they need and want someone who is emotionally mature,” she says. “When pushed to clarify, they laugh and say, ‘You know, someone who isn’t afraid to be loving, kind and understanding.’”
5. Excitement!
Who says excitement is only for the young? “I’m 58, but deep down I feel 35,” says Diane, a real estate agent in Pittsburgh, PA. “I want to meet someone with whom I can have fun and enjoy life. I once dated this guy who just wanted to stay inside and watch CBNC all day. What kind of fun is that? I’ve got a cabin at the lake and I love hiking, mountain biking and kayaking up there. I want to meet someone who will be able to participate in those activities with me.”
Randy, 60, an automobile-dealership owner in Lake Forest, IL, says he’s looking for someone adventurous enough to share his love of exotic travel. “At this point in my life, I’ve already put my kids through school and am now able to travel a lot for pleasure,” he says. “I want to enjoy traveling to all the places I’ve always wanted to see, like Belize to bonefish and Tibet to climb mountains and go on a yoga retreat. In the past, I’ve met ladies who, when I mentioned these ideas, said things like ‘Fishing?’ or ‘I’m too old for mountain climbing!’ I don’t feel too old at all! And it doesn’t have to be that exotic — just trying a new, exotic restaurant is fun. It’s about taking some risks and growing. Now is the best time of your life to do this kind of thing. Savor it!”
Chelsea Kaplan is deputy editor of The Family Groove and a regular guest on Sirius XM Radio's “Broadminded.” Read more from Chelsea on her blog, “The Momtourage.”
Source: http://dating.ca.msn.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/en-ca/landing/msnca/articles/article.html&articleid=10426&menuid=1&lid=429&ap=1&TrackingID=525771&BannerID=666611
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