By Eve Marx
February 16, 2011 5
ThirdAge
People seemed astounded by Real Housewife of Beverly Hills Lisa Vanderpump’s (and you’ve got to love that name) admission on Bravo TV that it’s not true that she and her husband Kenneth Todd only have sex twice a year. “Well, not every year,” Vanderpump explained. “Christmas and birthdays, and that’s his birthday, not mine. Mine is another day off.”
On Andy Cohen’s show, “Watch What Happens Live,” Vanderpump, whose nickname to close friends is “Pinky,” laughed off the notion that just because she seems to talk about sex a lot (and she does), doesn’t mean that she has a lot of sex. “Look, she said, “my husband and I have been married 29 years. We’re very secure in our marriage.”
It seems Vanderpump was making an important statement about the state of many long term happy marriages, i.e. marriages built on commitment, common values, love, respect and affection. The Vanderpumps have children; their daughter Pandora is 24, their son Max is 18. At one time, it’s easy to believe they had a vibrant and healthy sex life. But viewers of the show seemed uneasy to learn that the couple were no longer engaging in frequent – or even weekly or monthly –sex. Is that healthy, people wondered. Or could it possibly be true as one viewer wrote in, “Don’t rich people like sex?”
While how much money a woman has doesn’t necessarily have an effect on her sex drive, the real issue worth discussing is Lisa Vandercamp’s open acknowledgement of her lack of physical desire. It was refreshing, I think, and probably has to do with her age. Even if it’s true that Vanderpump was “snatched from the cradle,” when she married Kenneth Todd, the actress (she appeared in a number of films in the ‘70’s and ‘80’s, including one called “The Wildcats of St. Trinian”) is 51 years old, and it’s a safe bet to guess she’s in menopause. Or post-menopause. And that explains it.
Contrary to what our youth-oriented culture continues to hammer at us, it’s perfectly natural and normal for a woman to experience a decrease in sexual desire during and after menopause. That’s because of the drop in hormones. The reason for this is biological. Sex drive is connected to procreation, and after menopause, the body knowsthe time for making babies is done. To outsmart the body’s natural instinct to shut this down, women ask their doctors to prescribe hormone replacement therapy. But while the therapy does work to restore lubrication, which is a key element to successful sex, there still is no pill or drug or cream that can stimulate or restore the female libido.
What to do? Well, you can be like the Vanderpumps and find other paths to intimacy. Or you could take hormones, at least for awhile. A healthy and more natural approach is to go out of your way to find alternative ways to give and receive physical pleasure: a massage, plus lots of kissing and cuddling. If you’re still interested in having intercourse or simply wish to please your partner, the main thing is lubrication. Without it, intercourse is painful and pain leads to further avoidance.
Here’s something else good to know. The vagina is a very forgiving organ. Even if you haven’t used yours in awhile, it can “come back.” That old adage, “Use it or lose it,” isn’t completely true. Once you start using it again on a regular basis, your vagina will respond and become as good as new.
About the author: Eve Marx, is an award-winning journalist, columnist, and bona fide “Sexpert.” As an authority on sex, dating and relationship advice, she is a contributor to Cosmopolitan, Savvy Miss, Men’s Health and iVillage.
Original link: http://www.thirdage.com/sex/why-women-lose-their-sex-drive
Saturday, February 19, 2011
How to Have Great Sex After 50
By Barbara Hannah Grufferman
February 18, 2011
ThirdAge
My husband and I met in the sweltering summer of 1992 and started rocking and rolling immediately. But from the moment we got married a year later, we were 1) thinking about getting pregnant, 2) in a state of pregnancy, 3) recovering from pregnancy, or 4) enjoying (and coping with) the results of pregnancy: babies, toddlers, and now, two teenagers. It wasn’t exactly conducive to swinging from chandeliers.
During those early years, sex was focused more on a result (children), but that’s no longer the case. Like most couples over 50, we are free to have sex pretty much whenever we want. But do we?
I tried to find some statistics about how many times per week married Americans over 50 made love (with each other), but there were so many different studies saying so many different things, it was hard to suss out the truth. One stated that married couples over 50 had sex once or twice a week, while another claimed it was closer to once or twice a month.
Confused, and in need of more information, I met with Dr. Margaret Nachtigall, a reproductive endocrinologist in New York City, and daughter of Dr. Lila Nachtigall, one of this country’s leading experts on menopause, who shared some statistics from a study done by The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior:
A study of married couples found age and marital satisfaction to be the two variables most associated with amount of sex. As couples age, they engage in sex less frequently, with half of couples age 65-75 still engaging in sex, but with less than one fourth of couples over 75 still sexually active. Across all ages couples who reported higher levels of marital satisfaction also reported higher frequencies of sex.
This study left me feeling that the older we got, the less we got it. Not good.
I brought this topic up with some girlfriends one night over a bottle of wine, hoping to get insights into their concerns, and (yes, I admit it) how often they had sex (with their partners).
We all had the same question: I love my husband and he loves me, so why aren’t we having more hot sex together, like we used to? We want to have sex, but sometimes we just aren’t into it. How do we get in the mood? We all hated thinking that things were slowing down, and that they might slow down even more. For sure, menopause can sometimes make sex uncomfortable for some women and our libido can drop off. But, just because a woman is post-menopausal, does she automatically lose interest? Forever? Was that my future? Was I supposed to lock this door and throw away the key?
I was getting worried. Whenever I get worried, I do research. The more research I did, the more worried I got . . . so the more research I did. Finally, someone suggested I meet with Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity”, in which she explores many of the questions my friends and I were confronting, specifically why couples who have been together for a very long time often can’t sustain a rich, enjoyable sexual life . . . together. Esther was eager to find out because in her view . . . sex after fifty may be the best sex we’ll ever have.
First, Esther said, we had to address some long-held views about sex after 50 that may not be true.
oWomen over 50 are sexually dysfunctional due to menopause. According to Esther’s research, the majority of women over 50 are sexually healthy. Sexual problems that are menopause-related can be addressed with simple solutions like lubricants or estrogen.
oMen think women over 50 are sexually undesirable. Esther has rarely encountered a man who says his low sex drive is related to how his wife looks, or her age. But he will be turned off if she has stopped being interested in sex. Men want women who want sex.
oIf you’re not having spontaneous sex, it must mean your sex life is over. When, Esther asked, was sex ever spontaneous? When you were first together, you had sex on your mind for hours, maybe even days, leading up to the experience. In many cases, you set the date, thought about it, planned the evening, even what to wear. It may have seemed spontaneous . . . but it wasn’t. Good sex is planned sex.
oIf a couple is having less sex, it’s her fault. News flash: if a woman over 50 is having less sex, chances are it’s him, not her. With men, his low sex drive is often related to health problems or medications he may be on, many of which are known to create some sexual functioning challenges. Men aren’t used to needing stimulation, and it can be troubling. Sometimes he’ll just avoid it, causing the woman to think he’s no longer attracted to her, which results in a sexual Catch-22.
oIf you want to have a better sex life, you need to get closer. On the contrary, Esther says, excess information and over-sharing can put the kibosh on desire, while a little mystery can fuel sexual attraction.
Creating an erotic space between you and your partner is essential for good sex. I share lots of tips on how to do that in The Best of Everything After 50 ( www.bestofeverythingafter50.com.)
Then, we explored the three main tools that women can use to get into the mood, when we may be thinking about watching reruns of Seinfeld, instead of having sex:
oArousal – Watch a movie or read a book, have a fantasy, put on some sexy lingerie. Many things can arouse us. Arousal can lead to desire, and desire leads to sex. Figure out what gets you going and use it when you need it.
oDesire – Desire is wanting to be turned on. With this entry point you want to get aroused, and you want to actively engage in getting turned on with your partner.
oWillingness – This is the most important entry point for women over 50. It’s the willingness to be engaged in desire. If you’ve been ignoring, neglecting or denying your sexual self for a while, then you must consciously decide that you want sex in order to even let yourself feel desire. We talk ourselves into doing things all the time – going out to an event, cooking dinner – but people don’t think about talking themselves into having sex, and they confuse it with “pity sex.” This made complete and total sense to me . . . and, even better, it works!
What I learned: After 50, we’re at a sexual crossroads, and need to make a choice: We could go through menopause, and realize that our experience of sex is changing and decide that we are done with it, and shut down that part of ourselves, lock the door and throw away the key. Or, (the much more fun choice) we could embrace this new life with a sense of freedom and fun – no more periods, no more worries about getting pregnant, no more doing it because there has to be a result, . . . and you may very well find yourself having the best sex . . . ever.
One little bit of advice: stop looking for studies about how often other people have sex. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors (no matter what they say to the survey interviewer), and . . . who cares?
About the Author: Barbara Hannah Grufferman is an author and blogger.If you would like more information about The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts’ Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More, please visit my website: www.bestofeverythingafter50.com. Interested in having a “The Best of Everything After 50 Book Club”? Email me at Barbara@bestofeverythingafter50.com.
Original link: http://www.thirdage.com/sex/how-have-sex-life-after-50
February 18, 2011
ThirdAge
My husband and I met in the sweltering summer of 1992 and started rocking and rolling immediately. But from the moment we got married a year later, we were 1) thinking about getting pregnant, 2) in a state of pregnancy, 3) recovering from pregnancy, or 4) enjoying (and coping with) the results of pregnancy: babies, toddlers, and now, two teenagers. It wasn’t exactly conducive to swinging from chandeliers.
During those early years, sex was focused more on a result (children), but that’s no longer the case. Like most couples over 50, we are free to have sex pretty much whenever we want. But do we?
I tried to find some statistics about how many times per week married Americans over 50 made love (with each other), but there were so many different studies saying so many different things, it was hard to suss out the truth. One stated that married couples over 50 had sex once or twice a week, while another claimed it was closer to once or twice a month.
Confused, and in need of more information, I met with Dr. Margaret Nachtigall, a reproductive endocrinologist in New York City, and daughter of Dr. Lila Nachtigall, one of this country’s leading experts on menopause, who shared some statistics from a study done by The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior:
A study of married couples found age and marital satisfaction to be the two variables most associated with amount of sex. As couples age, they engage in sex less frequently, with half of couples age 65-75 still engaging in sex, but with less than one fourth of couples over 75 still sexually active. Across all ages couples who reported higher levels of marital satisfaction also reported higher frequencies of sex.
This study left me feeling that the older we got, the less we got it. Not good.
I brought this topic up with some girlfriends one night over a bottle of wine, hoping to get insights into their concerns, and (yes, I admit it) how often they had sex (with their partners).
We all had the same question: I love my husband and he loves me, so why aren’t we having more hot sex together, like we used to? We want to have sex, but sometimes we just aren’t into it. How do we get in the mood? We all hated thinking that things were slowing down, and that they might slow down even more. For sure, menopause can sometimes make sex uncomfortable for some women and our libido can drop off. But, just because a woman is post-menopausal, does she automatically lose interest? Forever? Was that my future? Was I supposed to lock this door and throw away the key?
I was getting worried. Whenever I get worried, I do research. The more research I did, the more worried I got . . . so the more research I did. Finally, someone suggested I meet with Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity”, in which she explores many of the questions my friends and I were confronting, specifically why couples who have been together for a very long time often can’t sustain a rich, enjoyable sexual life . . . together. Esther was eager to find out because in her view . . . sex after fifty may be the best sex we’ll ever have.
First, Esther said, we had to address some long-held views about sex after 50 that may not be true.
oWomen over 50 are sexually dysfunctional due to menopause. According to Esther’s research, the majority of women over 50 are sexually healthy. Sexual problems that are menopause-related can be addressed with simple solutions like lubricants or estrogen.
oMen think women over 50 are sexually undesirable. Esther has rarely encountered a man who says his low sex drive is related to how his wife looks, or her age. But he will be turned off if she has stopped being interested in sex. Men want women who want sex.
oIf you’re not having spontaneous sex, it must mean your sex life is over. When, Esther asked, was sex ever spontaneous? When you were first together, you had sex on your mind for hours, maybe even days, leading up to the experience. In many cases, you set the date, thought about it, planned the evening, even what to wear. It may have seemed spontaneous . . . but it wasn’t. Good sex is planned sex.
oIf a couple is having less sex, it’s her fault. News flash: if a woman over 50 is having less sex, chances are it’s him, not her. With men, his low sex drive is often related to health problems or medications he may be on, many of which are known to create some sexual functioning challenges. Men aren’t used to needing stimulation, and it can be troubling. Sometimes he’ll just avoid it, causing the woman to think he’s no longer attracted to her, which results in a sexual Catch-22.
oIf you want to have a better sex life, you need to get closer. On the contrary, Esther says, excess information and over-sharing can put the kibosh on desire, while a little mystery can fuel sexual attraction.
Creating an erotic space between you and your partner is essential for good sex. I share lots of tips on how to do that in The Best of Everything After 50 ( www.bestofeverythingafter50.com.)
Then, we explored the three main tools that women can use to get into the mood, when we may be thinking about watching reruns of Seinfeld, instead of having sex:
oArousal – Watch a movie or read a book, have a fantasy, put on some sexy lingerie. Many things can arouse us. Arousal can lead to desire, and desire leads to sex. Figure out what gets you going and use it when you need it.
oDesire – Desire is wanting to be turned on. With this entry point you want to get aroused, and you want to actively engage in getting turned on with your partner.
oWillingness – This is the most important entry point for women over 50. It’s the willingness to be engaged in desire. If you’ve been ignoring, neglecting or denying your sexual self for a while, then you must consciously decide that you want sex in order to even let yourself feel desire. We talk ourselves into doing things all the time – going out to an event, cooking dinner – but people don’t think about talking themselves into having sex, and they confuse it with “pity sex.” This made complete and total sense to me . . . and, even better, it works!
What I learned: After 50, we’re at a sexual crossroads, and need to make a choice: We could go through menopause, and realize that our experience of sex is changing and decide that we are done with it, and shut down that part of ourselves, lock the door and throw away the key. Or, (the much more fun choice) we could embrace this new life with a sense of freedom and fun – no more periods, no more worries about getting pregnant, no more doing it because there has to be a result, . . . and you may very well find yourself having the best sex . . . ever.
One little bit of advice: stop looking for studies about how often other people have sex. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors (no matter what they say to the survey interviewer), and . . . who cares?
About the Author: Barbara Hannah Grufferman is an author and blogger.If you would like more information about The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts’ Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More, please visit my website: www.bestofeverythingafter50.com. Interested in having a “The Best of Everything After 50 Book Club”? Email me at Barbara@bestofeverythingafter50.com.
Original link: http://www.thirdage.com/sex/how-have-sex-life-after-50
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Seniors looking for love in five minutes of speed dating
Keila Torres Ocasio, Staff Writer
CTPost.com
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
BRIDGEPORT -- Leigh, who never gives away her age, smiled as she explained to Seymour why she likes living at Watermark 3030 Park, a senior living community.
"I love it here," she said. "There is a swimming pool and..."
"And a lot of men that are not as good looking as me," said Seymour, 85, who lives at Embassy Towers.
"What else do you do, besides fooling around with me," he asked, obviously flirting.
"Well, what else is there to do besides fooling around with you," Leigh said, playing along.
Leigh and Seymour, like the others participating in Watermark's first senior speed dating event declined to give their last names, had fun getting to know each other Wednesday afternoon -- if only for five minutes.
The event, which was hosted by CTMatch.com, got off to a rough start. Only 16 of the 20 men who registered actually showed up, while about 24 women participated.
But, the single seniors quickly got into a groove. Although the men were supposed to visit a different lady's table every five minutes until they had met everyone, some men doubled back when no one was looking.
Peter and Lynn, for example, chatted twice, discussing the government bailout and deficit. An hour into the event, Peter was the only person Lynn thought had potential for a second date. Everyone else, she said, was well, too senior.
The 57-year-old said she hadn't expected all of the men to be 70 or older. "The guys over there, they can't hear you and they get tongue-tied," the part-time aerobic instructor said. "The last guy I dated was 44 and couldn't keep up with me."
Westport resident Lois, 71, whose husband died two years ago, also wished the men were younger.
"My husband would have been the age of some of them," she said, "but he looked much better."
Every participant had a different tactic Wednesday in the speed dating event.
Richard liked to tell the women about his love for watching the stock market on television, which elicited very different reactions. "Oh, I love it; I love the stock market," was Lois' response.
But Jeanette, 72, who was hoping for instant attraction or chemistry with someone, preferred traveling over television.
"How depressing," was her response to Richard's daily entertainment choice. "What do you do for fun?" she asked him.
"What do I do for fun? I watch the stock market," Richard said.
"Oh, that's not fun," Jeanette replied.
Dottie, a Fairfield resident in her early 70s, said she was looking for someone who shared the same interests. "I would like to go to a movie or dinner or a walk or a concert with someone else, with a man," she said. But alas, five minutes was not long enough to determine whether someone was worth seeing again, she determined.
Only men and women who had circled "yes" next to each other's names would be given contact information.
"What I tell people is if the time goes by quickly, circle yes," said Robert Tamiso, the CTMatch.com event organizer. "If the time drags on, circle no."
Kevin Hunter, executive director at Watermark, said the purpose of the event was to get the seniors to socialize and meet new people, especially in time for Valentine's Day. "The folks here still have a lot of years ahead of them," he said. "So many folks are so isolated if they are not active in their church or a senior center. That's not healthy."
A second speed dating session scheduled for March is already booked and the Watermark is considering making the event a monthly occurrence. Of the hundreds of residents living at the Park Avenue facility, there are only 14 married couples.
http://www.ctpost.com/local/article/Seniors-looking-for-love-in-five-minutes-of-speed-1006341.php
CTPost.com
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
BRIDGEPORT -- Leigh, who never gives away her age, smiled as she explained to Seymour why she likes living at Watermark 3030 Park, a senior living community.
"I love it here," she said. "There is a swimming pool and..."
"And a lot of men that are not as good looking as me," said Seymour, 85, who lives at Embassy Towers.
"What else do you do, besides fooling around with me," he asked, obviously flirting.
"Well, what else is there to do besides fooling around with you," Leigh said, playing along.
Leigh and Seymour, like the others participating in Watermark's first senior speed dating event declined to give their last names, had fun getting to know each other Wednesday afternoon -- if only for five minutes.
The event, which was hosted by CTMatch.com, got off to a rough start. Only 16 of the 20 men who registered actually showed up, while about 24 women participated.
But, the single seniors quickly got into a groove. Although the men were supposed to visit a different lady's table every five minutes until they had met everyone, some men doubled back when no one was looking.
Peter and Lynn, for example, chatted twice, discussing the government bailout and deficit. An hour into the event, Peter was the only person Lynn thought had potential for a second date. Everyone else, she said, was well, too senior.
The 57-year-old said she hadn't expected all of the men to be 70 or older. "The guys over there, they can't hear you and they get tongue-tied," the part-time aerobic instructor said. "The last guy I dated was 44 and couldn't keep up with me."
Westport resident Lois, 71, whose husband died two years ago, also wished the men were younger.
"My husband would have been the age of some of them," she said, "but he looked much better."
Every participant had a different tactic Wednesday in the speed dating event.
Richard liked to tell the women about his love for watching the stock market on television, which elicited very different reactions. "Oh, I love it; I love the stock market," was Lois' response.
But Jeanette, 72, who was hoping for instant attraction or chemistry with someone, preferred traveling over television.
"How depressing," was her response to Richard's daily entertainment choice. "What do you do for fun?" she asked him.
"What do I do for fun? I watch the stock market," Richard said.
"Oh, that's not fun," Jeanette replied.
Dottie, a Fairfield resident in her early 70s, said she was looking for someone who shared the same interests. "I would like to go to a movie or dinner or a walk or a concert with someone else, with a man," she said. But alas, five minutes was not long enough to determine whether someone was worth seeing again, she determined.
Only men and women who had circled "yes" next to each other's names would be given contact information.
"What I tell people is if the time goes by quickly, circle yes," said Robert Tamiso, the CTMatch.com event organizer. "If the time drags on, circle no."
Kevin Hunter, executive director at Watermark, said the purpose of the event was to get the seniors to socialize and meet new people, especially in time for Valentine's Day. "The folks here still have a lot of years ahead of them," he said. "So many folks are so isolated if they are not active in their church or a senior center. That's not healthy."
A second speed dating session scheduled for March is already booked and the Watermark is considering making the event a monthly occurrence. Of the hundreds of residents living at the Park Avenue facility, there are only 14 married couples.
http://www.ctpost.com/local/article/Seniors-looking-for-love-in-five-minutes-of-speed-1006341.php
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)