Third Age
The dance of dating has rules which provide common expectations between two strangers and limit the number of uncomfortable situations. After all, it can be disastrous when a man and his date have very different expectations about when he will get a kiss (or more), who will pay for dinner, and when to meet the parents. These rules are fairly simple for young people, with a primary purpose of preventing unwanted pregnancy.
Dating after divorce is far more complicated, involving big money, mortgages, career compatibility, integrating children, and emotional scars from being burned by a bad relationship. The game has changed for middle age dating, and so have the rules.
Know what you want
There seem to be two kinds of late-life daters: Those who want to marry again and those who absolutely refuse to consider the possibility. Know which type you are and don’t mix with the other kind because someone will get hurt. If you want to get married again, allow yourself to learn from the process of dating. After each date or relationship, take the time to think about what you liked or didn’t like in the relationship, and hone your list of desirable qualities in a mate.
Talk about religion, politics and money on the first date
At this stage of life, we have established world views which aren’t likely to change. Don’t waste time avoiding topics that help you understand the perspective and thinking process of your date. A Catholic Republican and a liberal Buddhist simply aren’t likely to click, and that’s okay.
Since money is the leading cause of divorce, you need to have a sense of your date’s spending habits, income and debt. No, you don’t need to ask outright. However, you can make some basic determinations as you learn about his career, his complaints about paying bills, and whether he winces when you order an appetizer or dessert.
Have the guts to ask the big questions
Life is too short and we are getting too old to wonder what our date is thinking, so ask. Ask everything you’ve always wanted to ask starting on the second date. Are you interested in marrying again someday? Do you want more children? What are your career goals? What do you think about me? You may have been terrified to ask these questions as a young adult, but maybe having asked these questions would have steered you away from a bad marriage. At this stage of life, there is no sense in wasting time. If your date is offended, then he or she is not serious, and that’s your cue to move on.
Protect the kids while testing your date
Every family therapist says that your kids don’t need to know about your dating life, so don’t introduce your kids to your date unless you are very serious. The problem with that approach, according to author and comedian Steve Harvey, is that you won’t know how your date truly reacts to children. He may say he wants your children, but he may run away screaming when he finally sees them in person. Harvey says you need to know before you invest too much time in a relationship. If you’re getting serious, arrange for your date to see your children in a public place where your children won’t notice him. A soccer game, a playground, church or a friend’s party all offer innocent ways for your date to see your children in action, and allow you to gauge his reaction.
Sex?
Because virginity and the newness of sex are long gone, there are few rules about sex when dating after divorce. When to have sex becomes a personal choice and ranges widely, so you need to know what your plans are. More spiritual individuals often choose to avoid sex until commitment, while others view it as yet another personality test, and fun to boot. It is certainly revealing to learn that your date has no idea how to sexually pleasure the opposite sex after years of marriage.
There are also conflicts over birth control methods. Many formerly-married men spent years having sex without condoms or have a vasectomy, and they detest using a condom. Yet the high rate of sexually transmitted diseases among divorced singles should be enough for you to think twice. Incessant demands may also providing interesting insights into your partner’s character.
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Source URL: http://www.thirdage.com/dating/dating-after-divorce
Article Source: McClatchy Tribune
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